Moving’ Out.

Question:

I am a Christian and I believe I was “born again” last year in last year. I have been through a series of life-changing events in the last year. From the moment my son was diagnosed with a rare chromosomal disorder where the doctors predicted he wouldn’t survive birth, I began to increase my relationship with God to try to understand what was happening and why. I had always thought I had a good relationship with God, but I think I lacked the knowledge of His wisdom. My son was born with Edwards Syndrome. I dated my husband 4 years before we got married and we conceived my son on our honeymoon. Praise God, my son is still alive and thriving – he can eat, see, hear, is starting to talk and very active. He is not able to sit up without assistance, but he can roll and he has a strong desire to learn to crawl. My marriage did not survive. It was destructive to my spirit and being – physically and emotionally. I know there’s a purpose for me to marry that person – a part of me that needed that experience to grow. When we separated, I wanted so much to learn to forgive him to free myself. I bought so many books/CDs on forgiveness and got so caught up in trying to psychoanalyze my ex’s behavior. One night I became enlightened. I felt a strong presence of God, just like when I found out my son’s diagnosis where the words that resounded in my heart where, “Be not afraid.” God let me know that I was his child and he understands and loves me so much! My ex and his family painfully rejected me…it was painful because that was the beginning where I had to learn not to depend on others for approval. Additionally, it was such an awful betrayal. God has transformed me so much with my experience with my son and I am grateful. I was a ladder-climber in a shallow ego-driven career…I was not acting in alignment with my core values and I was not being authentic to myself in almost every facet of my life before I had the experience of having/raising my son. My son has brought so much goodness, joy and love to my life and others.

I really delved deep into learning more about God in the past year and uncovering spiritual truths. I really started to feel a deep connection with God.

Lately, I have a sense that I am not acting in accordance with my authentic self. I have two kind and loving parents that took me and my son in for the last 15 months and I am so grateful. As you can imagine, it has been a huge healing process and it continues. I have been exploring places to live on my own. My parents I think want me to stay with them; I think they enjoy having my son around, but I feel that I do not have the space to heal and I think that my relationship with them is suffering because they have their own issues and I have mine and I sometimes have not treated them always like I know I should – my anger surfaces and we have had personality clashes. I don’t like that part of me. I want to always be respectful. I know that I can’t run-away from my problems because we must face difficult people and situations every day and deal with it in a respectful manner. I recently pursued putting an offer on a condo. Is it selfish for me wanting to move out when I can stay? I am struggling with wondering if I am too selfish. Everyone is selfish to some extent, how do I know if I’m too selfish? Second, fear and anxiety is gripping me. I feel like I don’t want to fail and not make it financially – the stakes are higher – I have a child to be responsible for. I had to quit my job to take care of him – he needs around-the-clock care because he is so dependent. So I am not in control of my own financial support and I think it is driving me nuts. I work part-time, teaching a few fitness classes and I am taking classes to prepare me for pursuing the second degree nursing program. I have read your comments about there is no certainty and everything will be ok…on some level I believe that, but on some level what about the people that don’t end up ok? How do you explain that? Also, I struggle with knowing if something is God’s will or if it’s my ego and personal agenda…how do I know God’s will? Is the timing I’m choosing to leave God’s will? It certainly is going to be a tough road ahead. I pray for God to lead my path all of the time. I remember the fear from before my son was born and wondering if he was ok inside my womb, and wondering if he would be born alive and everything was ok…I know the fruitlessness of worrying, yet I find myself consumed by it now…my mom and dad are worriers; I wonder if they are rubbing off on me? Sorry for the length of this e-mail. I appreciate your insight.