Helping a Friend.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
A dear friend has been married for 30+ years – they married because she became pregnant while they were in college – they had only known each other for 2 months. It has been a very unhappy marriage for him, his wife threatens to kill herself if he would ever leave, to ruin his relationship with their children (both adults), demands half of his income, she destroys his clothing and personal items if she feels he has stepped out of line or hurt her feelings and says inappropriate things about him in public. He is a highly educated businessman who is on many community boards and highly thought of, yet he lives in perpetual fear and pins and needles – he jumps when his cell phone rings because every moment is a pending disaster. He becomes paralyzed with fear and guilt when he tries to discuss things with her and express his desire for change, for his own sanity and peace of mind as well as the fact that he does not have any feelings for her other than responsibility (he was raised a Catholic and taught that responsibility comes before self). I have given him The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success and The Shadow Effect; he is exploring a more spiritual side to life but cannot get past this paralyzing fear, what do you recommend to help him release this fear and find a life of peace, confidence and fearlessness? My heart breaks for him, it has taken him 7 years to share this bit of his private life with me, he has never told anyone else and I so want to help him – I have never seen someone so afraid. I feel that you can shed some light on this and recommend a path for him.
Response:
It’s good of you to offer him compassion and spiritual alternatives to his fear and guilt, but the important thing is that whatever change he is ready to make, it has to be driven his own desire and readiness. From the outside it seems incomprehensible why he and his wife are playing these odd roles with each other, and we are not in a position to understand what soul purpose is being served through that relationship, but we have to respect their choice. Until he asks for help, there is little you can do from your position. When the time is right and he is ripe for transformation, then he will be receptive to yours or others help in overcoming his crippling fear and guilt. In the meantime, let him know that he has choices for happiness, and that when he is ready to see and act upon them, you will be there to support him.
Love,
Deepak
We live in a fast paced world, where there are terrible anxiety! Be especially existential fears, fear of failure, not to be used more not being loved! Self-love, self respect, respect for private life! Of course this is all written down quickly, but if you do not start small, can not achieve anything great! I can not get no respect, if I do not give respect to their own! Strain through terrible inferiority complex things in the world! My advice is to explore self-esteem work, look at life from a bird`s eye view, then feel yourself and love!
Whether your friend is acting out of fear or love that is an incredible commitment to his marriage, 30+ years, and to do so without the support from his partner, or his children, that is incredible. I would say your friend has some issues with self worth more than fear and even more so I believe the fear is an effect of low self worth and to raise his self worth would dissolve that fear. If you wish to help your friend now, as he may have been reaching out to you for help in simply sharing his story with you, help him raise his self worth. Help him see what an incredible man he is, and when he is strong enough to stand himself up, hopefully he will have strength leftover to help his wife find the kind of help she needs to become the partner your friend deserves. It would be a shame to have come this far in his marriage to acquire strength just to leave. She may have been irrational and malicious for a long time, but this does not mean she has no worth, nor does it mean she cannot become a beautiful partner to your friend. Love thru forgiveness and acceptance is far more powerful than responsibility. If he can achieve 30+ years with a sense of responsibility he would be amazed at the life he could achieve thru the love of forgiveness and acceptance. You are a good friend and a welcome friend to me, if we should ever become aquainted.
I saw it happening to a very good friend many years ago. I couldn`t do anything but stand aside and respect his decisions to stay in this miserable situation. Despite my efforts (providing outside help information, being a sounding board, etc), he stayed. I`ve realized I`ve done my job. Sadly, he`s still in this relationship.