March 9, 2012

Growing in Spiritual and Emotional Independence.


When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.


I'm 22 years old. My life for a long time, has revolved around my relationship. I am a very loving person by nature, and I've never felt complete without love in my life, especially without loving and caring for a significant other. To me my life feels empty if I am not there for someone, and I feel lonely when I have no one to share my life experiences with.

Since the age of 16, I was in a 4 yr relationship with a boy who was slightly disabled. Because I loved him the way he was, he returned love immensely and I have never felt more complete and happy in my life. However, this relationship broke, because we had some long distance issues.

Since then, I depended on a boy who was like a brother to me, and eventually we ended up having a relationship. This boy has helped me in so many ways, namely, he helped me become a more independent person. I have been brought up protective all my life and in quite an unrealistic way, where my parents beliefs were to marry a rich man and have him provide for me. He helped me realize my talents that I was not making use of, and because of him I’m doing a degree right now (which my parents had never planned for me). Things were not easy with him as opposed to my first relationship. In that we didn’t even have to speak a word but would know what each other were thinking. It was a very deep connection I had, and I could never understand how we broke up. The current boy and I are complete opposites, but I’ve learnt so much because of him, and I appreciate him so much. I have a lot of dreams in my life and I see all these things possible with him.

Sadly, my parents dislike him to the point I cannot even describe. My father shivers with hatred at the sound of his name, and I can’t understand how or why (unless it’s something to do with a previous birth!). At the same time my ex came back during this period and they were forcing a relationship with him again. Because of my stupid big heart, I felt sorry when I heard him crying saying how he didn’t know what he was doing. I tried to help him because he had some psychological problems. I was the one person he could confide in easily and so I spoke to him, despite my boyfriend telling me not to. I thought it was important because he really needed someone. And Sadly, I ruined my relationship with my boyfriend by betraying his trust, and speaking to him without his knowledge.

Although we have so many things that do not match, I hold on to him because of who he has made me today, and because I love him. But with all the pressure from my parents and friends, telling me to break up with him, I sometimes feel confused wondering whether all these things happening are signs telling me to break up. Right now, he has become quite wicked to me because he can’t get over the betrayal, but I’m being as patient and assuring as possible. At times it’s hard to handle, and I don’t know whether it’s worth fighting for a person who I’ve already ruined things with. I want to do what’s right but I’m scared because I just don’t know where to turn.


I assume from your letter that you still live at home and that your parents’ approval of who you are seeing is very important to you. It also seems you are attracted to partners with whom you can be a caretaker to. The boyfriend that has encouraged you to develop your talents to become more self-sufficient and strong within yourself has made a very good point. This is an important lesson for you not just in terms of your education and career, but even more importantly for your emotional and spiritual development. A meaningful relationship comes from awakening your spiritual essence, not from your outer behavior. You need to realize that the quality of love you share with a partner is determined not only by the depth of love in your heart, but also by the guidance of your heart in finding an appropriate mate.

You said your present boyfriend is treating you poorly because you “betrayed” him by being a consoling friend to your ex-boyfriend when he was going through a crisis of self-doubt. That is a silly and immature reaction on his part. You do not need his permission to talk to a friend, and it is not a betrayal to do so. If he can’t get over this then you can probably bet that he will create endless scenarios in the future of how you will have betrayed him and in his mind that will give him endless reason to treat you badly. This is a serious warning signal and you need to ask yourself if you really want to get more involved with him or not. I would encourage you to develop more discernment in your heart’s affection. Don’t just let your affection go out to those who you feel sorry for or that you want to help. That is fine for friends, but for marriage, it can lead you to thinking that your only worth and lovability comes from helping your partner, and that will eventually lead to heartbreak and resentment.

Realizing your true self brings inner strength, emotional fulfillment and love that expresses itself wisely in its relationships. This is the kind of independence that will help you the most.


Write Your Comment

  1. Sheri

    Sorry everyone, I wrote my question in the wrong place!

  2. Sheri

    Dear Deepak, I was married and had two children by the time I turned 25. Prior to this I had not taken college seriously and quickly dropped out. My husband and I are still together and we have had a rough 14 years financially and emotionally. I always felt like it was too late for me to make something of myself and stayed in a job that I quickly outgrew for 10 years. I finally had the courage to go back to school and am currently a junior at University of Central Florida. My husband and children are extremely proud and supportive of me. My problem is that I cannot figure out what it is I want to do! I have come this far and do not have a major. What I want is to make a difference in people`s lives. I want to get out there and speak to people, but I`m not sure about what! I want to provide courage and hope. Unfortunately I have no idea what major that would be. This is a very important decision I need to make soon and I truly need your wisdom as to what direction to go in. I feel very discouraged.

  3. swan

    I can completely relate to this girl. This was me before I realized I was struggling with codependence. Wonderful and true answer. You need to direct that caretaking toward yourself. Be your own girlfriend.

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