Confused and Unhappy.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
I am feeling very disturbed and depressed about my current situation in life. From an outsider’s view there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with my life today. I am an intelligent (IQ>140), smart looking, witty, athletic, young guy of 28 with a good job and a comfortable earning – all those things that would count as a generally “successful life”!
But somehow I am dissatisfied, discontent and unhappy from within. I am unable to find joy in life as I used to when I was a little kid. I have lost interest in my job, my hobbies and have gone through a terrible depressive phase with suicidal ideation too. I still do not know what to live for and why, though I am through with the suicidal phase.
Somewhere down the line I think I have lost my self-esteem and desire to live. Probably it is because I was very idealistic and became cynical of the ways of the world. It could also be that so far I had “gone with the flow” and never really “knew” what I wanted to do in life so I’m not sure why I chose to be a doctor, maybe it was my desire to alleviate suffering and pain in others or maybe it was in some twisted way an attempt to reduce my own subconscious suffering.
I have recently been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (without hyperactivity) and am on medication (non neuro-stimulatory) for the same and I know that some of my issues (like anxiety, learning disorder, presumptuousness, rigid mindedness, lack of coherent philosophy) are rooted in this disorder.
I would like to find out how I can try and be the joyous and happy child that I was.
Apart from being very confused about my career I am also confused about relationships both with my immediate family and also my romantic liaisons as I do not see the need for marriage and on a strictly philosophical level I am for the notion of polyamorous relationships because I think one cannot really “possess” or control another person and if it is honest love between two or more people then why have less of it than more? I mean more love can do no harm can it?
I also do not see marriage as necessary to keep two individuals bound in a relationship though this view is deeply looked down upon by my parents and family and I find myself caught in a fix between peer pressure and my own philosophy. I do not see myself as responsible for social harmony and do not really think that a society without marriage should necessarily be unstable. It should be left to the concerned individuals to make an informed decision about these things rather than parents, peers or society setting rules about what is right or wrong ( as long as it is consensual between concerned individuals) .
A few years ago when I was in a relationship I would have liked a family and children of my own but now (probably because of my experiences and philosophical inquiry) I do not think I want to raise children, I do not know for sure why this has happened and would like to know how, why and when do people “choose” to have children and raise a family?
Hoping for a helpful reply,
Response:
Your discovery that happiness and fulfillment does not lie in external accomplishments and abilities reminds me of Siddhartha Gautama’s story 2500 years ago. He also explored the conflict between different aspect of the psyche and the concept of happiness through non-conventional relationships with the opposite sex. None of these pursuits brought him the lasting happiness he was looking for.
Ultimately it was only enlightenment, the discovery of his true self that led to fulfillment and peace. What does that involve? First, knowing what your goal is and not wavering from it. Second, meditating so that you can go inward to meet yourself. Third, daily patience and forgiveness.
This last point is more important than it sounds. It means finding a way to be gentle and easy with yourself even though you don’t have the answers to your burning questions yet. It’s tempting to believe that you really can’t move ahead until all your questions are explained to your satisfaction, yet in fact it is those questions themselves that are inwardly leading you to a real experience of your true nature.
Rilke said this best in his advice to a young poet:
“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. “
Love,
Deepak
