Condescending Mother-in-law.
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Question:
Dear Sir, I want to know how to deal with this situation wherein for last 12 years I have been trying to ignore and keep distance from a mother in law who has been out rightly condescending, abusive and does not like me because I did not fit her mental framework of being tall and beautiful. She does not need any reasons. Seeing my face makes her angry. She is hostile and sometimes even shuts the door on my face or pushes me aside if need be. Refuses to talk to me nicely, is always negative about my looks and has been bad mouthing me. She has started cooking up stories about my character and keeps wishing bad things happen to me. My response to all this has been to keep quiet to avoid confrontation, as she secretly wishes I pick up a fight so that she can make things ugly. She is getting frustrated that I do not give her this opportunity and ups her ante. My problem is, I am suffering inside, want to fight it out but does not get an opening from my side, while I am seething with anger with no outlet, as I love my husband too much to do this to his mother as he in turn will get affected as well. He however has been of no help either, since he is non-confrontational as well, and till as such time he is not involved in this mess, he is happy staying at the edge.
Response:
There may be little you can do to change her feelings toward you, but you need to tell your husband to step up and be a real husband and tell his mother that he has made his decision to marry you and make his life with you. He is not a child anymore and that if she wants to be a close part of his life as an adult she will need to respect you and his marriage decision. The early years of marriage are hard enough as it even without negative outside interference. You husband needs to see that his mother’s hateful attitude is not only disrespectful and unkind to you, it is disrespectful and unloving to him as well. He needs to man up, decide that this is his life to live, not his mother’s and establish the healthy boundaries in his marriage now, or it is just a matter of time before his mother ruins the marriage.
Love,
Deepak
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This is a strange response, from a woman`s point of view. While the involvement of the husband might stop the comments, it would not change the Mother in Law`s perception. And all women instinctively know that women`s business is just that. I think involving the husband will only worsen the tension between these two women as well as within the marriage. The husband loves his mother and his wife. He has no desire to be between them and would make a poor mediator. If it were me, (and it has been) I would study the Mother in Law. Consider her past, her dreams, her habits and mannerisms. Then, you can plan. You may consider asserting your place as matriarch, baiting her with comments so passive-aggressive they could never be used against you, then allowing her eventual outburst undermine her. Or you may just fight fire with fire. But MIL/Wife problems are born between women and no involvement of a man will solve them.