Children’s Rejection.

Question:

A few years ago, I wrote to you about my troubled marriage (husband: narcissist alcoholic leading double life and womanizing), a recent accident (almost crushing me to death) and brush with cancer. Your advice to let go of the relationship, move forward in my life and see these close calls as signs from God was very perceptive and fully taken. A year later, I am now divorced, moved to another city, feel wonderfully healthy and have found a loving relationship. Although I have not yet gained employment in my field, I know that I am where I belong and love it. I can finally say I have felt happiness and love for the first time in my life!  For that I thank you.

The reason for this letter is that I’m struggling with a few core aspects that have had adverse reactions to my seeking truth and happiness. Two of my three adult children have reacted in ways that I didn’t anticipate, and that I find difficult to accept. My eldest daughter  (26) is content with herself and, thus, with my choices. She understands the family dynamics and is supportive of the healthy changes I’ve made since she had to do so herself in her college years. The next daughter (25) is a mother of a 8 month baby with an abusive father that she had to flee from, landing her at her father’s apartment. She is now his enabler, filling the role I had for almost 3 decades. This irritates me but isn’t the overall cause of my concern. She insists on interacting with one of his mistresses, not knowing he has more and that he has stated he doesn’t love this woman. My daughter has her babysit the baby and tries to include her in family things. She is now secretive about her doings and barely sees me, maybe once or twice a month. My youngest son (18) is in his freshman year of college. He seldom interacts with any of us– ignores phone calls from all family members, ignores text messages and doesn’t acknowledge any kindnesses toward him from anyone (cards, gifts, care packages, trips to his school to watch him play his sport). He basically told me to let him know if someone is dying or dead. Otherwise, I guess I’m to leave him alone. Before he left for school, he spent the summer with his father, who was seldom around and taught him to do things for others only because they “may be of use” to him some day in the future. Both of these relationships are very painful for me to accept as they are. The past year they both lived with me in a loving home (that unfortunately I had to sell in June because I couldn’t afford to keep it and needed to relocate away from my exhusband).

These are not the values or customs I share. How do I remain patient with them while they continue to withdraw without pushing them further away because I’m repulsed by their behaviors? They expect me to open my heart to the other woman, to their choices, but I can’t interact with such toxins– they lead to years of abuse, a numbing of my spirit and almost physical death. Yet they also don’t want to be part of my life as it is now. My daughter stated that she didn’t want to share some things with me because my life is so happy now. I had hoped that they would follow my lead and choose a better life for themselves. I know these changes take time for transition, but really how do I survive the hurt of my children’s rejection?