Reconnecting with Dad.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
I am 45 years old and have not spoken to my father in 20 years. I am the youngest of four siblings, I was the first daughter to stop contact…followed thereafter by my older sisters within the next few years. My brother stayed in contact with him and us. My father was an unreasonable man at times and when he drank, he created drama’s, that by the time I was 25, I had had enough and asked for no further contact. Recently I saw his email address on my sister-in-law’s forward to me and after much thought I sent him a note. Along with some basic information about me and my kids I included this:
I accept the past without denying or discarding it… and realize people do what is necessary at the time … with the tools they have. I know looking back from the perspective of a 45-year-old woman… I would have done things differently … had I had the reasoning and coping skills to do so. I also believe that everything does happen for a reason. I am happy with who and where I am.
I received a phone call from my sister in law this evening and after about a half hour I told her what I had done. She told me she already knew, and that my father had forwarded my email to my brother, asking what he thought (my brother gave no thought on the matter), and then my brother shared it with my sister-in-law. I am fully aware that my conditioned self is re-suffering the rejection, secret keeping and a sense of no one looking out for my wellbeing. I get that and can work through it. What I am having difficulty with is the relationship my brother maintained with my father and myself… and that in 20 years they never spoke of me, even to let my father know I had a 2nd child. I don’t know what will come and whether I will receive a response, I am having a lot of trouble processing this whole thing, I would appreciate any wise words.
Response:
The simple act of sending that email to your dad after all these years was a momentous act to your psyche. Your reference to the past was so carefully crafted to be neutral, non-blaming and philosophical, I think it your dad genuinely wanted help in decoding or interpreting what may have been your intentions behind the email. For example, did your saying that “I am happy with who and where I am” mean that you are not interested in taking the next step in seeing or talking with him, or does it just mean you are happy with who and where you are.
It’s not altogether surprising that this opening overture of yours after two decades of silence and secrets that this would bring up strong feelings of rejection and suffering. That will often come when you revisit and begin to process those numbed and neglected parts of your self. But this is a positive and healthy development. I would encourage to you keep going. You may want to send another email just explaining your initial impulse to write to your dad. And if you feel secure enough, you could include some of your feelings. If you want to explore the idea of seeing him, or if you know you don’t want to yet, or even if you are not sure yet—go ahead and say so. Put it out there if you have a sense of what direction you want the relationship you and your kids have with him to move towards.
If your dad really isn’t just confused by the response and truly has rejected the possibility of reconnecting, then at least you know where things stand and you can move forward on your own to heal and not be waiting for him (on some level) any longer. But since you were the one who asked for no more contact initially, I think he’d like to be a part of your life if that is what is being offered.
Love,
Deepak
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