July 7, 2016

Painful Situation.


When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.


I am looking to find a way out of a painful situation, and I’m stumped, so I was hoping you could offer some insight.  First off, I’m newly married (just two months) to a wonderful, amazingly great man.  He is everything I want in a relationship, supportive, intelligent, kind, loving, and there is absolutely nothing wrong in our actual relationship.  The problem is me and letting go of feelings for another man. 

I was in a friendship with a man, years before my husband and I started dating, that developed into a very painful case of unrequited love.  This other man and I were very close friends, but I was in the throes of an eating disorder and was actually very overweight.  We always had a great connection, but I could just tell that he wasn’t physically attracted to me.  After two painful years of being in love with him, in secret, I left the friendship to move on, never telling him how I felt. (at the encouragement of my friends, for the sake of avoiding awkwardness in our friend group, and also because I thought it would be pointless, since I could tell that he didn’t find me attractive.)

I took a job overseas and the other man went to grad school.  We didn’t see each other for years.  I was able to move on from him completely, because a.) I never saw or communicated with him and b.) I believed there was absolutely no chance of him returning my affections.  I started dating the man who is now my husband and through the healing powers of a healthy, happy relationship, I was able to end my food obsession.  I became healthy and lost 60 lbs.  (I should note that my husband has always loved me, from the very beginning of our relationship, even when I was quite overweight and would have been happy with me at any weight.)

Everything was going wonderfully until about two months before the wedding when I, back in my original town and the other man, finished with grad school, reentered the same social circle as before.  He couldn’t believe my physical transformation and that, combined with the news of my engagement, made him far more emotional than I would have ever thought.  He was transfixed with me, following me around at the party, and rehashing every memory we’d ever shared, memories that meant so much to me, since I was in love with him.  It was a very painful night for me, to know that what I had wanted for so, so long (the other man) is something that I could have…if I weren’t attached.  But I love my husband dearly and, morally, could never be unfaithful to him.  So I shook off the painful evening, got married and was happy again, for a couple of months, not seeing the other man.

But now the other man and I routinely seeing each other, and, as I mentioned, are in the exact same social circle.  I saw him at a party last night and it was, like all encounters we’ve had since that first re-meeting, very painful, with him making some subtle, but relentless overtures toward me.  It’s absolutely terrible.  Logically, there is no reason this man deserves me, since he couldn’t feel this way about me when I was overweight, logically, I adore my husband and would never even entertain feelings for this other man, but I swear, when the other man and I are in a room together, we have this insane chemistry, it actually feels like intoxication.  It feels like everyone in the world has faded into the background and it’s a powerful feeling.  And, sadly, however much I adore my husband, I have never felt this way with him.  Our connection is very different, though great in its own way. 

Anyway, the point is, I have no idea what to do.  The other man and I are locked into the same social circle and will be for the forseeable future.  I will not ever cheat on my husband.  The only alternative seems to be to bear this horrible thing.  I wish we could move away, far away, so I could forget this other man, truly, like I did before and be happy again.  But we can’t move. 

Here are the options, as I see them:

#1  Ignore the pain and my feelings/connections with this other man, make a mental decision to move on and not flirt or fantasize about him and eventually the pain will dull. 


#2  In the hopes of achieving some bit of closure, tell the other man that I was in love with him for years (to relieve the weight that this secret has been on me) and be honest about my feelings, but also tell him, firmly, that he missed his window of opportunity with me and that we cannot continue to flirt and enjoy that connection between each other like we do.  That way it would be clear cut.

Please advise me as to whatever you think would be best.  My husband is a truly wonderful man and I do not wish to hurt him in any way, and I absolutely hate myself for this emotional or mental betrayal.  I have no problem with fidelity, I have desires for any random cute guys or whatever, but for some reason, the other man, who was my first love, the only unrequited and heartbreaking one I’ve had, is some one I have not been able to let go of, now that I know he has feelings for me as well. 

Thank you for your help and please don’t think I’m a horrible person. 


You are certainly not a horrible person. I think much of your difficulty lies in the special interpretation you give to this “insane chemistry” you experience when you two are together. You think that because it feels that strong and unique, it has a special reality and must be acted upon. But it seems to me that connection is to the old you that desperately wanted his approval and that you didn’t believe you were worthy. That old you is gone, and now you have found and married someone who truly loves you as you are, who inspires you, and brings out the best in you. When you really digest this, you will be able to let go of your feelings for him.

Your second option makes sense to me. Tell him the past is the past, and that his attentions are not welcome. You don’t owe him any explanation of your past feelings nor do you need to bring up missing the window of opportunity, because that might actually encourage him to think that another opportunity exists.



Write Your Comment

  1. Melanie

    It's a karmic relationship. It is based on unconscious patterns like Deepak said. Stay with your husband. You won't regret this choice.

  2. Melanie

    It's a karmic relationship. It is based on unconscious patterns like Deepak said. Stay with your husband. You won't regret this choice.

  3. Melanie

    It's a karmic relationship. It is based on unconscious patterns like Deepak said. Stay with your husband. You won't regret this choice.

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