Overcoming Ghosts of the Past.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
Deepak, over the past three years I have worked hard to be the right person in order to enjoy a relationship when I have it (I have not been in one relationship in more than 5 years). By working hard I mean that I have read many books (including yours), practiced many mental / well-being exercises, meditated, exercised… and worked by all means the shadows of my past (lack of acceptance and feeling of abandonment by my father). I have made huge improvements in my well-being, body and mind. However, recently I have got close to someone who is definitely special to me. The problem, all those insecurities from the past seem to have come back to haunt me. I feel abandoned, unloved, jealous, etc. I am trying to flow… and I am getting back to my old exercises, meditation, yoga and so forth… but I don´t know what else to do to feel at ease and be with someone… what do you recommend?
Answer:
At this point you are ready to work on these issues with a partner. So have an open, intimate conversation with this new guy you like. Tell him what you have revealed in your letter to me, including your insecurities and how important it is for you to overcome them in order to have a successful relationship. Ask for his understanding and support in this healing effort. There is a good chance that he has his own past issues to deal with. If he is open to it, offer your support and compassion in return. You don’t have to get into all the specifics of what triggers your jealousy and feelings of abandonment right away, but just establishing a general agreement to work together emotionally to build a deeper relationship is the important thing at the onset. Later on you can explore how best you can support each other when the old painful memories get triggered and you need help in healing them.
Love,
Deepak
I find the further we heal from past experiences, we are able to allow better people into our lives. This is what is happening to me right now. I think when you are able to recognize your insecurities that is a sign of positive growth too. :) To keep labeling yourself is not going to help you move from the past.
How do get back to being conneted to a circle of friends?
It is important to Establish what you are wanting in a relationship before you enter one. The best way is to be stable and clear on that before and also take the negative impressions in the past and flip them as wanting the opposite in the future and focusing on creating that. From that clear and balanced place where your witness is strong when you are attracted to the other; feel where it coming from is it .balanced or from a feeling of lack like a void other is filling. Your feeling (from this place) will tell you about this person, if he is safe for you or not if it a good union. Then before you jump into deeper physical intimacy get to know them, take time to emotionally establish and feel safe to share you intimate feelings and your insecurities and practice working through together without the added complication of intercourse. Then slowly when you are ready, when you feel well and safe and respected and clear, then go ahead with deeper levels of intimacy. It is important to keep that emotional intimacy open and ongoing. Things will come up however you know you have a safe platform for it. If you have already begun physical intimacy before clearing and establishing then best solution is to strengthen your witness through meditation and taking time to honor and connect to your true feelings so you can express them well in relationship and remain true to yourself. Also it is important so you can differentiate what is yours and what is theirs. It also gives you insight on if their is some personal boundary being crossed or that needs to be established and respected or if a mutual understanding and care can be reached so both are honored. It is the dance of love and what works for you may not work for other, it is important to know yourself your unique desires and dharma so you can fulfill that. Alligning with a person who is compatible with those is important of course there will always be some differences and opposition, challenge but it is a part of the attraction and growth also as long as their is a common understanding and respect. It is a constant mirror for you to define and redifine yourself to open, discover, and explore the deeper realms of your being through interaction with another. Coming together in this ongoing dance of opposition meeting from different perspectives back and forth in a push pull with moments of unison both merging in the dance. Sometimes eventually merging together until all even the dance dissolves into oneness and sometimes sometimes ends in spinning apart until you are ready for the one who will dance the whole life through. Its all a learning and growth the most important that you stay true to yourself and honor your feelings and strengthen your witness and move from the heart all the rest will allign and stay or fall away as it may