When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Dear Deepak, Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from myself, like a severing of sorts, like there is two of me… I am seeing myself from the outside. In these instances, it’s like I am watching my body move but I am not completely inside of it. My voice will even sound foreign to me. These feelings are difficult to explain. Psychology calls it depersonalization. I have been seeing a psychoanalyst for well over a year. The main thread of my therapy deals with my identity as a transgender person. I am a 34 year old, born female, always felt male. And so, over the past year, I have transitioned into a more fulfilled person. I have not physically altered anything on my body at this point. Most of my work right now revolves around the inside stuff. Older psychotherapy work on myself revealed OCD as a way of coping. I organize, make neat, make clean, fix and file…correct and re-correct when there’s nothing left to make “perfect”. This way of coping recently fell away as it no longer felt fulfilling.
One weekend while spending time alone, I was busying myself in my familiar yet old patterns of checking and rechecking, throwing away, organizing and filing old paperwork. It just happened… A light bulb went off, and I caught myself in the act. All of a sudden, I was outside of my body looking at myself in my home. I heard a little voice say, ” this is who you are”. And, feeling completely exhausted from all of the undue stress that I was putting on myself through obsessions and compulsions, I felt sad. I was tired. I was finished with these rituals that no longer served me. So now, as my transition continues, and the OCD continues to fade, new feelings have sprung to life. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and am completely lost. I do not know who I am nor where I am. I feel a rush of panic until I remember I am me. But then more and more in my waking life, I will experience the same disconnect. I will sense my body as a floating entity and somehow I am split into two or even three pieces. Me the body. Me the observer. Me the memories. And then I cannot help but think that this may be a lot like death. And maybe I shouldn’t be afraid of this scattered energy, and like you teach, perhaps it is my ego (me the memories) that wants to hold on so tightly. But am I dying, Deepak? Do I have to die? I am frightened to let go of my identity and all that has kept me grounded for so long. So I reach and I hold tight to childhood memories to feel sane. But somewhere I know that I have to die in order to live. I am frightened. Am I going crazy? Or is this part of the life process? Can you relate in any way? All I want to do is regain a feeling of being grounded in my body again…regain a sense of ownership. Be alive in body. And more so, what is our identity? Is it just a collection of memories? And if the brain dies when our body dies, then so do the memories…and our identity? What are we without our thoughts? Will I remember me? Deepak, thank you for taking the time to read this. I sense you will shed some light. In love and gratitude.
Your letter didn’t mention a meditation practice, so if you aren’t already involved in a daily practice I would encourage you to begin. Meditation gives you experience of your true self, pure consciousness which is your real self beyond your ego, and memories, beyond your body, beyond gender, even beyond your observer self. Experiencing this profound self gives you a sense of security, grounding and assurance that this part of you cannot die, be diminished or be lost. This experience of pure consciousness is your stable center as you transition from the external forms of identity you have lived with – body, mind, memories, ego. It can feel a lot like death as the old conditioned you fades away and the new unconditioned self still feels unfamiliar. Once the shift to your real self has occurred, then your energy and feelings will inhabit your body and relationships once again. You will feel passion, joy, enthusiasm and love again, but now it will be from a state of spiritual freedom.