Struggling with Forgiveness.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
I am struggling with forgiveness. My fiancé left me to be with someone else. I am hurt, angry, confused, and sadly, still in love with him. I want to forgive him but forgiving him seems like I would be saying “what you did is ok”, and it’s NOT. I know holding onto these negative feelings is only hurting me, but I don’t know HOW to let it go. Please help me!
Response:
It’s important to be clear that forgiveness does not convey the message that what they did was okay. But not forgiving means that you hold on to your toxic blame and resentment and inflict more emotional damage on yourself. That is definitely not okay.
One way to help you let go of this recrimination is to try to depersonalize this as much as possible. Look at the feelings of hurt that have been exposed in you as an opportunity to become stronger, more self-sufficient and more self-loving. This helps you from seeing what happened as a completely negative thing that a bad person did to you which you don’t deserve. By depersonalizing it, and recognizing that this situation is revealing an area you need to grow in at this time, you can reinterpret this rejection instead as guidance from your higher self away from a relationship which isn’t appropriate for you right now toward the evolution you do need at this time. So rather than trying to get him to accept blame for his actions, you are recognizing that he is just acting as the unwitting messenger of your inner wisdom leading you toward your real growth.
Love,
Deepak
Dear Poster, I happened across this site today and your post was the first I saw. It can be easy in an digital world to forget that a real person is behind each post, not just a question. So first, I simply want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. There is so much I'd like to say, and yet this isn't really a long-form forum for it. Still, I'll try to offer at least some small but useful perspectives. You are allowed to feel hurt and angry. If you didn't, you wouldn't be human. What kind of person would you be if when relationships ended, you were impassive. So you are feeling what you should feel as a caring person. This is not the problem. You didn't share when the end of this relationship happened. Time is an important element. While there is no set time for grieving a loss, if we aren't careful, the normal and healthy feelings of hurt and anger can turn into ugly things if left unchecked over time. Your fiancé made a choice that deeply affected you. From that moment on, however, you are also making choices of your own: whether you will let bitterness consume you, whether you will close yourself off from being open with or trusting others in the future, whether you will allow his choice to grow into a brier patch of self-doubt inside of you. I myself have been deeply hurt many times. And the process for me is always the same: 1.) Understand that someone else's choice is outside the realm of my control. Replaying things over and over (what I call "dwelling"), thinking that if we'd only said or done something different that would have changed things is trying to own a choice that was never mine. Use simple, repeated language with in your self-talk: "That was his choice. Now I need to make my choice. These choices are separate in me." 2.) Keep telling yourself the truth you already know—that withholding forgiveness isn't making anyone pay except yourself. We imagine that the other person cares or suffers in knowing we are "holding on." They aren't. They truly don't care. They are sleeping just fine at night, not thinking about you or the pit in your stomach or the tears that fall. As the saying goes, "Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Forgiveness isn't about freeing someone else; it's freeing yourself. 3. Live. Our tendency when we're hurt is to isolate ourselves into "the cave of pain." We don't want to bring people down, or we know we can't be what we think they expect us to be (e.g., fun, talkative). So we hole up. But we all know where that goes: back to the constant replay I mentioned in #1 above, which, of course, only leaves us feeling the same, day after day. So even if you don't feel like it, go out and live life. Take walks. Spend time with friend that is intentionally NOT tainted by talking about "the situation." Go out dancing (even if you think you'll just sit on the sidelines; you might not). Visit a zoo. Take a trip to a place you've been thinking about visiting. Do something NEW. Living fully, as it turns out, is the best way of moving on with our life. Again, keep your self-talk simple, consistent and positive. I suggest even writing down three truths about yourself (e.g., "I am a good person," "I am choosing happiness over bitterness," "I will remain open to people and life"). Write them down. Carry them with you. Read them often, including first thing in the morning and last thing before you go to bed. It really does work wonders. You'll get through this!
Dear Poster, I happened across this site today and your post was the first I saw. It can be easy in an digital world to forget that a real person is behind each post, not just a question. So first, I simply want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. There is so much I'd like to say, and yet this isn't really a long-form forum for it. Still, I'll try to offer at least some small but useful perspectives. You are allowed to feel hurt and angry. If you didn't, you wouldn't be human. What kind of person would you be if when relationships ended, you were impassive. So you are feeling what you should feel as a caring person. This is not the problem. You didn't share when the end of this relationship happened. Time is an important element. While there is no set time for grieving a loss, if we aren't careful, the normal and healthy feelings of hurt and anger can turn into ugly things if left unchecked over time. Your fiancé made a choice that deeply affected you. From that moment on, however, you are also making choices of your own: whether you will let bitterness consume you, whether you will close yourself off from being open with or trusting others in the future, whether you will allow his choice to grow into a brier patch of self-doubt inside of you. I myself have been deeply hurt many times. And the process for me is always the same: 1.) Understand that someone else's choice is outside the realm of my control. Replaying things over and over (what I call "dwelling"), thinking that if we'd only said or done something different that would have changed things is trying to own a choice that was never mine. Use simple, repeated language with in your self-talk: "That was his choice. Now I need to make my choice. These choices are separate in me." 2.) Keep telling yourself the truth you already know—that withholding forgiveness isn't making anyone pay except yourself. We imagine that the other person cares or suffers in knowing we are "holding on." They aren't. They truly don't care. They are sleeping just fine at night, not thinking about you or the pit in your stomach or the tears that fall. As the saying goes, "Bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Forgiveness isn't about freeing someone else; it's freeing yourself. 3. Live. Our tendency when we're hurt is to isolate ourselves into "the cave of pain." We don't want to bring people down, or we know we can't be what we think they expect us to be (e.g., fun, talkative). So we hole up. But we all know where that goes: back to the constant replay I mentioned in #1 above, which, of course, only leaves us feeling the same, day after day. So even if you don't feel like it, go out and live life. Take walks. Spend time with friend that is intentionally NOT tainted by talking about "the situation." Go out dancing (even if you think you'll just sit on the sidelines; you might not). Visit a zoo. Take a trip to a place you've been thinking about visiting. Do something NEW. Living fully, as it turns out, is the best way of moving on with our life. Again, keep your self-talk simple, consistent and positive. I suggest even writing down three truths about yourself (e.g., "I am a good person," "I am choosing happiness over bitterness," "I will remain open to people and life"). Write them down. Carry them with you. Read them often, including first thing in the morning and last thing before you go to bed. It really does work wonders. You'll get through this!