Breaking with Family.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
Hello Deepak, My question is family related. You see I grew up Middle Eastern with many cultural traditions associated with family. I was raised that family, even extended family, is something you do not break from. However, there are members of my family who have caused a great deal of grief, and turmoil in my life. Such issues as mental and emotional abuse, sexual abuse, manipulation, lying, and stealing, and many more. I am now 23 years old and realize I deserve better than continuing to allow myself to be a victim. However, breaking free is much harder than I expected. How can I go about this and what, if any, advice do you have for my situation?
Response:
Rather than encouraging you to make a huge emotional and mental effort to break away from your family, it will be smoother and less confrontational if the positive direction of your life purpose naturally takes you in a different direction and you simply outgrow the negative influence of the family. This way you don’t have to renounce your family and cause a lot of hurt feelings. If you discover your life path and live it on your terms, you will no longer be dependent and defined by your family. You become big enough and strong enough in yourself to accept the aspects of the family you love, and are able to ignore the aspects you don’t love.
Love,
Deepak
Regarding "accept the aspects of the family you love, and are able to ignore the aspects you don’t love". What do you recommend when the "aspects I don't love" are behaviors that have negative consequences for me? Holding a place of love in my heart for them has been beneficial in many ways. As a child, my choice was to "ohm" and forgive or passively tolerate their unkind behavior. The evolution of my personal journey has had many layers to be sure. A recent example that was actually a minor one, but for me a final straw... Recently my mother came to my place of work to pick up a ham that I was providing for a family dinner. She had difficulty finding my office from the address and when she arrived her behavior and words let everyone at my place of work know that she was upset and it was my fault. Several co-workers asked 'Who that was?' and 'What was wrong?' The next day, I chose to say to her that I was upset and that her specific actions were "not ok". I did my best to state objectively and briefly what had occurred. My experience has been that saying anything, no matter how calmly, will be met with such anger and negative comments about their perceptions of my character and my betrayal of family. The story that I have made up is that I must choose between the lesser of evils... put up with their behavior or be subjected to their anger and an receive the cold shoulder in our family gatherings. I chose not to attend this family dinner, which received the same result from them. The difference being I am not subjecting myself to sitting through the negative cold shoulder routine. It's not personal I know. I observe the unhealthy interactions of all family members. It does not always include Mom, but when Mom is mad, everyone exerts pressure to appease her. I don't experience this outside of my family. I would move away from people who behave this way. I am surrounded by wonderful and conscious friends. I am struggling with 2 things here, (perhaps more :) ) 1. being independent of the good opinion of my family in these circumstances. 2. How to most effectively and more assertively set healthy boundaries. (or at least a healthy mindset from which to choose how I will respond, rather than react or passively accept) I welcome your advice.
Regarding "accept the aspects of the family you love, and are able to ignore the aspects you don’t love". What do you recommend when the "aspects I don't love" are behaviors that have negative consequences for me? Holding a place of love in my heart for them has been beneficial in many ways. As a child, my choice was to "ohm" and forgive or passively tolerate their unkind behavior. The evolution of my personal journey has had many layers to be sure. A recent example that was actually a minor one, but for me a final straw... Recently my mother came to my place of work to pick up a ham that I was providing for a family dinner. She had difficulty finding my office from the address and when she arrived her behavior and words let everyone at my place of work know that she was upset and it was my fault. Several co-workers asked 'Who that was?' and 'What was wrong?' The next day, I chose to say to her that I was upset and that her specific actions were "not ok". I did my best to state objectively and briefly what had occurred. My experience has been that saying anything, no matter how calmly, will be met with such anger and negative comments about their perceptions of my character and my betrayal of family. The story that I have made up is that I must choose between the lesser of evils... put up with their behavior or be subjected to their anger and an receive the cold shoulder in our family gatherings. I chose not to attend this family dinner, which received the same result from them. The difference being I am not subjecting myself to sitting through the negative cold shoulder routine. It's not personal I know. I observe the unhealthy interactions of all family members. It does not always include Mom, but when Mom is mad, everyone exerts pressure to appease her. I don't experience this outside of my family. I would move away from people who behave this way. I am surrounded by wonderful and conscious friends. I am struggling with 2 things here, (perhaps more :) ) 1. being independent of the good opinion of my family in these circumstances. 2. How to most effectively and more assertively set healthy boundaries. (or at least a healthy mindset from which to choose how I will respond, rather than react or passively accept) I welcome your advice.
Regarding "accept the aspects of the family you love, and are able to ignore the aspects you don’t love". What do you recommend when the "aspects I don't love" are behaviors that have negative consequences for me? Holding a place of love in my heart for them has been beneficial in many ways. As a child, my choice was to "ohm" and forgive or passively tolerate their unkind behavior. The evolution of my personal journey has had many layers to be sure. A recent example that was actually a minor one, but for me a final straw... Recently my mother came to my place of work to pick up a ham that I was providing for a family dinner. She had difficulty finding my office from the address and when she arrived her behavior and words let everyone at my place of work know that she was upset and it was my fault. Several co-workers asked 'Who that was?' and 'What was wrong?' The next day, I chose to say to her that I was upset and that her specific actions were "not ok". I did my best to state objectively and briefly what had occurred. My experience has been that saying anything, no matter how calmly, will be met with such anger and negative comments about their perceptions of my character and my betrayal of family. The story that I have made up is that I must choose between the lesser of evils... put up with their behavior or be subjected to their anger and an receive the cold shoulder in our family gatherings. I chose not to attend this family dinner, which received the same result from them. The difference being I am not subjecting myself to sitting through the negative cold shoulder routine. It's not personal I know. I observe the unhealthy interactions of all family members. It does not always include Mom, but when Mom is mad, everyone exerts pressure to appease her. I don't experience this outside of my family. I would move away from people who behave this way. I am surrounded by wonderful and conscious friends. I am struggling with 2 things here, (perhaps more :) ) 1. being independent of the good opinion of my family in these circumstances. 2. How to most effectively and more assertively set healthy boundaries. (or at least a healthy mindset from which to choose how I will respond, rather than react or passively accept) I welcome your advice.