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There is one experience that brings joy or happiness to every living being. The experience of love.

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Books

NEW Spiritual Solutions by Deepak Chopra(Hardcover)

NEW Spiritual Solutions by Deepak Chopra(Hardcover)
Spiritual Solutions: Answers to Life's Greatest Challenges ( AUDIOBOOK Available )  "Great advice directly from the master on virtually any subject, it just doesn't get any better...

Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui

Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui
ABOUT THE BOOK: Feng Shui is the ancient oriental art of enhancing and harmonizing the flow of energy in your surroundings.  Over the last twenty years, Karen Kingston has pioneered the study...

Joyful Wisdom

Joyful Wisdom
ABOUT THEBOOK: Yongey Mingyur is one of the most celebrated among the new generation of Tibetan meditation masters, whose teachings have touched people of all faiths around the world. His first...

GOD: A Story of Revelation (Hardcover)

GOD: A Story of Revelation (Hardcover)
“God is an empty term except through the revelations of all the saints, prophets, and mystics of history. They exist to plant the seeds of spirituality as a direct experience rather than a...

Ten Poems to Change Your Life

Ten Poems to Change Your Life
ABOUT THE BOOK: This is a dangerous book. Great poetry calls into question not less than everything. It dares us to break free from the safe strategies of the cautious mind. It opens us to pain...

Soul of Leadership (Hardcover)

Soul of Leadership (Hardcover)
ABOUT THIS BOOK Leadership is the most crucial choice one can make—it is the decision to step out of darkness into the light.      Bestselling author and spiritual guide Deepak Chopra invites...

Book Of Secrets

Book Of Secrets
2005 Nautilus Book Award Grand Prize Winner! New York Times Best Seller! Every life is a book of secrets, ready to be opened. The secret of perfect love is found there, along with the secrets...

Super Brain by Deepak Chopra, MD & Rudy Tanzi, MD (Hardcover)

Super Brain by Deepak Chopra, MD & Rudy Tanzi, MD (Hardcover)
Learn about Deepak Chopra and the Chopra Center's Super Brain dietary supplement - Ayurvedic Brain Support NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER Super Brain by Deepak Chopra, MD & Rudy...

Brotherhood - by Deepak & Sanjiv Chopra (Hardcover)

Brotherhood - by Deepak & Sanjiv Chopra (Hardcover)
BROTHERHOOD Dharma, Destiny, and the American Dream DEEPAK & SANJIV CHOPRA   “BROTHERHOOD is an uplifting account of sibling affection and success, and of the promise and infinite...

Events

 
 
 
July 31 2012

Healing Past Trauma And Reestablishing Trust

Category:  Ask Deepak

Question:

Dear Deepak, I have suffered from anxiety and depression my entire life. As a child I experienced psychological, emotional, and physical abuse, and as a result, ended up in very unhealthy relationships, which culminated in a marriage to an emotionally and mentally unstable alcoholic. Luckily, I got myself and my child out of that situation and have been able to rebuild my life and heal many of the scars that were left behind from all the trauma I have endured. I have been in therapy, have been practicing yoga several times a week for approximately 6 months, and have recently begun meditating. I've been divorced for almost 10 years and have not dated much in that time, except for a man who lives very far away and with whom I have maintained a long distance relationship for several years. He is kind, supportive, and loving, and we are now planning on moving together and hopefully getting married. However, I don't fully trust him and am terrified that he will be unfaithful to me or leave me. I often act suspicious and have told him I can't completely trust him. He tells me my distrust hurts him profoundly, which I do not want to do, as I love him deeply. Although I have made many positive changes in my life, there are some wounds I have been unable to heal, especially with regard to trust. How do I learn to trust again after having sick and abusive relationships with my family and men all my life? How can I trust that he is different, being that I have always chosen (or they have been chosen for me, in the case if my family) people who end up hurting and betraying me, leaving me devastated and feeling worthless?

Response:

I don’t think you distrust him specifically, you describe him as a trustworthy person. Rather it seems that you have not fully healed your past trauma and you see him through the lenses of distrust from your past. If you can see it in these terms,and explain your feelings to your boyfriend in this way, then he won’t be so hurt because you are not attacking or blaming him. Remember that finding the right partner is about becoming the person you are looking for. You want him to be faithful and not leave you, but you have no faith in him and distrust him, then you aren’t relating to him as a person, but only reacting to the ghost of your unhealed past. That is not the kind of person you would want to be partners with.

You have done a lot of healing, but you still need to do more before you feel safe enough to really be present and fully engaged in this new relationship. When you heal more, you will find a strength of heart such that you cannot be wounded by the words and behavior of others. You will have trust in yourself and your ability to deal with any of life’s uncertainties with love and integrity. In that state, no one can deceive you or betray you.

Love,
Deepak

Top comments

  • you have to learn to TRUST YOURSELF...If you trust yourself...what others do is their problem...Don't give your power away...TRUST YOURSELF!

    Joan Rhoades // 2012-07-31 15:04:16 // //
  • I am having a vey similar experience in my life right now except because I´m still trying to heal so many tihngs, It´s getting harder day after day I´´m running out of money jobless with two little girls and no support from her father (my ex husband) I´m desperate right now. I don´t trust in any possible partner so I rather to stay alone whit my babies. I feel that I´ve being trying to find inner peace to be able to see God manifesting Him Self lovely and gently in my life, but it is not easy. But I think I just don´t know how to live without drama I´m kind of addicetd to it. But in the other hand I´m still a believer I´ve recieved so many blessings, for example, my second child have been healed in and unexplainable way of a heart illness. And I also dream (in spite of my actul circumstances) whith becoming a certified teacher form a Chopra Center and find that happiness and wellbeing and help other people to find them too. Just as Dr. Chopra did. Sorry for my bad english I´m from Venezuela. I keep dreaming about being there in Carlsbad at the Chopra Center increasing the number of peace ministers.

    Margara // 2012-07-31 17:52:10 // //

 

 

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  • What exercises could you recommend for "trust building" between me and my partner? Then with me and myself? Thanks :)

    Kami // 2014-04-17 01:14:08 // //
  • Whoa. This summarizes my life in therapy. I get close warm intimate then- total PSYCHOSIS. I FLIP OUT. I WAS NEARLY MURDERED BY A SERIAL KILLER AND RAPIST19 YEARS AGO. I see beauty and love in nature but cannot warm up to ppl anymore. I`m like a scared animal if someone shouts or puts hand on my shoulder by surprise I shudder. I developed a lot of strange abilities since though. I can hear ppl think when I`m in danger.

    Top secret classified info // 2012-08-06 14:42:51 // //
  • I love you Deepak, you seem to make me a lot more comfortable with the reality we live in. Thank You!

    AndrooAngel // 2012-08-04 04:48:05 // //
  • Started the day I was born and since knowing I was unwanted by my father. Many traumas since - including very basically, lost of highschool sweetheart husband of 17 years, sudden death of many beloved pets, knowing likely not have any children, skin cancer scare, torn tendon in knee, etc etc. Years and years of PTSD therapy. When and how do I get a break? Thanks for being you - I do listen deeply and spiritually.

    Sandy // 2012-08-04 00:37:06 // //
  • Thank you for posting this question and answer. I could have written it. Except why keep trying after my horrible experiences? Your answer Deepak is direct and easy to understand. You both helped me a lot today, and Namaste.

    Reiki Doc // 2012-08-04 00:09:18 // //
  • This was so very helpful to read.. I have been through a similar situation. We all have pain in our past, and the biggest take away I will get from this is to not just "react to the ghost of my past". Thank you sincerely.

    C // 2012-08-02 21:31:09 // //
  • what do you sugested so i could have a good relations ship with my oldest son ,am so addicted to trauma that even when he was telling me that he was going to get up in the next morning to look for a job the old wounds keep coming back he is 36 and almost every theree months he lose is his job ,he has a life of alchol and drugs and he finish college in conselour of drugs ,but is in and out of my house for days or months sometime this last time he left so mad at me that he is not talking to me for more than a month i adopted his two kids and still he needs help from me am tired of not knowing if he is helpless or am the mean one, he has a record is hard for him to get a job sometimes i wish i could giving and support him like he is mentally chalenge but he is always drinking infront of his kids ,i dont know what to do any more but his kids miss him i do too.help

    laura // 2012-08-02 18:23:37 // //
  • Once my hubby said never trust anyone even the person u love the most.then u see how relax u feel,u dont have to worry about the distrust

    Deepali Dabral // 2012-08-02 15:38:43 // //
  • It is so easy for teachers to spout the principles of compassion for the perpetrators. Just rise to our higher self and operate from there. They have obviously not been in the levels of trauma that some have been raised in to understand the mind/body link in trauma. Margara, you are in the best training center in the world! Home is within your arms....love those babies...intervene on your past by allowing the present (your babies) to lead you. Focus on what will nurture them. that`s right loving and nurturing yourself with the same level of unconditional acceptance you shared in holding a place of love your sick younger child. As Mother Theresa said when she came to the US after her Nobel peace prize: "Thank you for wanting to come to Calcutta to offer your help. But Do Not come to Bombay, do not come to Calcutta. Look, who is sitting next to you now, who is sitting across the table from you when you eat? Start there", she said. Remember Chopra is here in the States, because we are one of the most Spiritually Impoverished countries in the World (also stated by Mother Theresa). Find the tiny miracles in your day, they are all around you waiting for your glance! Your genes are not so different from mine. Italian, Sicilian origin, that emotional roller coaster diet helps keep the drama a part of our wiring internally. We need other experiences that are more profound than the traumas to build up our new grooves in our brain so that we can find different choices to act on after we get emotional. Aahhh Meditation, Dancing, Singing, Painting, Sweeping to Music in costumes with your children....all these and more....Love Yourself, the little girl within is waiting!!!

    Tricia Bear // 2012-08-02 12:03:46 // //
  • Ive suffered similar issues at the hands of family and of men. And I`m now separated and have children and question men`s motives. I don`t think it`s time for you to move on. When the universe to some or for me GOD sends me someone I will know its from GOD. You will feel a sense of peace. He maybe for you but you need to heal more or else you will run him off. Pray and ask GOD for healing and if this man is for you he will be around when you heal.

    Jesusismystrength // 2012-08-02 05:59:04 // //
  • One day at a time, one step at a time. I know that has been the only way I`ve been able to stick with my own healing. Otherwise I`ve become discouraged and fall into chronic/habitual depression which has been my life long modus operandi as well. If you can stay in the present moment and see it all in little, tiny increments maybe it will help you as it has helped me. I still have bad days but not so bad as they used to be. And when I begin to lose myself in the `chaotic noise` (mostly because I`ve become overwhelmed) I take just a few minutes, close my eyes, breathe deeply and meditate on Who I Am. It takes the edge off and I can continue on without crashing. Good fortune and blessings to you.

    chiaroscura // 2012-08-01 12:59:41 // //
  • karma is a soothing thing ...believe...if it makes you feel good...believe...but like most things that rely on beliefs for their existenses the olny thing that you can do ...is believe...

    Andreas Mavrostomos // 2012-08-01 11:12:21 // //
  • I have been in a similar situation relationship wise. I was dating this guy that would bring up his past gf`s, say mean things to me, and even when I was physically hurt ( shutting my fingers in the garage door) he thought I was faking it. I wanted to leave him after this and there were many times that I did distance myself from him but he kept coming back and there were times I was stupid enough to take him back. He kept running in/out of my life for other women and finally I had enough and broke off contact. The problem is we work near each other so he still contacts me in person at times. I don`t know why this guy thinks I want anything to do with him because I don`t. I`ve said that but he`ll see me and be like maybe someday we can be friends? I`m like Are you serious? I think this person is dillusional. How can you not know that betrayl and hurt is wrong? He doesn`t seem to feel sorry for what he does. He also has problems with drugs/alcohol but won`t admit it but yet he`s on EAP at work..yet he can`t even fix his own problems. I`m mostly mad at myself for making the mistake of being with him and I`m having a hard time forgiving myself for what I`ve done. I just want closure. I don`t want to see him anymore period.

    bluesapphire1025 // 2012-08-01 09:38:59 // //
  • I believe in Karma, and everything what you do, will come back to you. If people hurt you, just pray for them. Because their mind is spoiled, but dont let them spoil your mind. Most of the people have a problem with them self and they give other people problems to feel good. Just find the peace in yourself and then you can change the world with your smile.

    Radhika Makhan-Marapin // 2012-08-01 09:23:25 // //
  • No offense but I feel as though the response to the initial letter doesn`t offer this woman practical advice on how to heal. What she, or anyone in that situation, can do. You`ve explained what her actions are but time most definitely does not heal all wounds. What can someone actually do to move on and trust again? It`s been years for me and I still don`t let anyone in. I`m terrified of what trauma may come from having romantic relationship.

    Hellokitteh // 2012-08-01 06:06:11 // //
  • A person that is "profoundly hurt" because you are scared is not ready to be a husband to you. When a child is scared an adult is not profoundly hurt by their fear. An adult comforts the child until the fear subsides.

    JD // 2012-08-01 00:00:45 // //
  • I get drunk and tune em out.

    Inanna Ki // 2012-07-31 19:59:02 // //
  • please delete me. lindapeterson2002@yahoo.com

    Linda Peterson // 2012-07-31 18:35:20 // //
  • I am having a vey similar experience in my life right now except because I´m still trying to heal so many tihngs, It´s getting harder day after day I´´m running out of money jobless with two little girls and no support from her father (my ex husband) I´m desperate right now. I don´t trust in any possible partner so I rather to stay alone whit my babies. I feel that I´ve being trying to find inner peace to be able to see God manifesting Him Self lovely and gently in my life, but it is not easy. But I think I just don´t know how to live without drama I´m kind of addicetd to it. But in the other hand I´m still a believer I´ve recieved so many blessings, for example, my second child have been healed in and unexplainable way of a heart illness. And I also dream (in spite of my actul circumstances) whith becoming a certified teacher form a Chopra Center and find that happiness and wellbeing and help other people to find them too. Just as Dr. Chopra did. Sorry for my bad english I´m from Venezuela. I keep dreaming about being there in Carlsbad at the Chopra Center increasing the number of peace ministers.

    Margara // 2012-07-31 17:52:10 // //
  • Beautiful answer.

    Daniel Novotny // 2012-07-31 16:42:27 // //
  • Look within not out

    Ken Hix // 2012-07-31 16:28:02 // //
  • Love the answer.

    Qing Chang // 2012-07-31 16:26:35 // //
  • There is comfort in knowing that when one trust one self to attract the right people into our lives the need to trust others becomes irrelevant. We do not need to trust others, we only need to trust ourselves. We need to remember that we come from a source of love and as such we will attract loving relationships!!

    Brenda Hooker // 2012-07-31 15:57:50 // //
  • One word. Boundaries. Till interactions become healthy and if never, boundaries are still in place.

    Roberta Tait // 2012-07-31 15:37:08 // //
  • I have built walls around me so high that i dont ever have to trust anyone but myself again!

    Mariette Korf // 2012-07-31 15:26:45 // //
  • You've got it right, Joan Rhoades, Trust comes from within, and Self Confidence as well as belief in one's own power is the key to diminishing the chances of falling victim to the abuse of others.

    Annie Bones // 2012-07-31 15:24:57 // //
  • straighten them up amd transform ur relationships into good happy healthy ones...

    Shefali Bakshi Sharma // 2012-07-31 15:21:33 // //
  • This is perfect. Thank you so much.

    Pamela Conley Taylor // 2012-07-31 15:14:53 // //
  • Joan, I love your answer! So very true and to the point!

    Lisa LittleDog // 2012-07-31 15:11:08 // //
  • your response helped me too...thanks sir!! :))

    Edelmira Sari // 2012-07-31 15:10:52 // //
  • Amazing. Trust is a beautiful thing.

    Gilda Aldaco-Quintana // 2012-07-31 15:08:50 // //
  • I love this question....looking for answers.....

    Martha Marti Johnson // 2012-07-31 15:07:42 // //
  • Ian Von Scheffey Graphic Designing

    Ian Von Scheffey // 2012-07-31 15:05:37 // //
  • you have to learn to TRUST YOURSELF...If you trust yourself...what others do is their problem...Don't give your power away...TRUST YOURSELF!

    Joan Rhoades // 2012-07-31 15:04:16 // //