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February 11 2013

Dealing with Things You Can`t Control

Category:  Ask Deepak


How would you deal with things you "can't control in life"? After 2 years of evaluating, I finally decided to completely cut off a 7 years old relationship with a close girlfriend and her husband because she is toxic ; she is a dishonest, manipulative person that her only source of entertainment is using alcohol, drug, gossip, and causing trouble. They even offered marijuana to my husband! Although, my husband agrees that she is a toxic friend, but he insists to continue seeing this couple; he does not respect the fact that it hurts me to see him hanging out with the people that I am trying to avoid or the fact that I hate to see him using marijuana even occasionally ( I am anti-drug). I also feel responsible for allowing these people into my life and don't know what to do if my husband wants to continue see them or to use marijuana. Can you please help me to learn how to handle this situation?


Rather than deal with the toxic friend and marijuana topics, I’ll address your first question, “how to deal with things you can’t control.” The truth is there is very little in the world that we can control. And yet most of these things don’t emotionally disturb us. If the weather changes abruptly or a friend gets ill, we recognize that we can’t control those things, and usually we adjust to the situation find a way to move ahead in our life. If an uncontrollable event or another person’s behavior, that isn’t directly threatening us, and makes us upset and out of control, then we know that our interpretation of the action is triggering this reaction based on something in our past.

Clearly your husband’s continuing association with this friend feels threatening to you and your marriage. Look at this honestly and figure out what this perceived threat is about. As you explore what beliefs you are holding on to that are behind the discomfort, you will gain insight into where you need to heal and learn forgiveness acceptance. Once you are able to honor others choices without taking it personally, you will be at peace and will be much more effective in communicating your real concerns.


Top comments

  • hmm ditch the friends and the husband !!!!

    Trish Bartlett // 2013-02-13 14:07:48 // //
  • I completely agree with Deepak. It is our insecurity that has us needing others to act and do the things we want them to do. She is equally disrespectful to him in trying to control who he is friends with. She made a decision for herself, not for them both.

    Jane Lehman // 2013-02-12 08:33:06 // //



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  • aa

    aa // 2013-06-01 11:46:33 // //
  • a

    a // 2013-06-01 11:26:35 // //
  • Oh and by the way... having standards and self respect is not insecurity.

    Bettie // 2013-03-09 16:23:18 // //
  • While I respect Deepak Choprah, there are aspects of his advice in this case which I disagree. A marriage is a partnership and your husband should respect your decision to be drug free and be loyal to you in your decision (which I think is a healthy one) to not see these friends. While you may not be able to control their behavior you most certainly have control over your own self and can certainly set very healthy boundaries starting with following through on your decision to not see the couple and asking your husband to honor that decision. What he does after that is his decision, but you will find out quickly where his loyalty lies. I have had to draw these boundaries myself in a similar situation and while it was painful at first I was much happier in the long run. Enlightenment is powerful but not always easy. You took a risk and opened yourself up to the truth about your friends. Honor it.

    Bettie // 2013-03-09 16:20:38 // //
  • Leave hime alone that means you can do better and thier is better foryou)

    Halo07 // 2013-02-17 20:52:30 // //
  • Imagine that ? someone who is at odds with a chick who uses drugs,drinks,dishonest,manipulates and gossips. kind of makes you wonder how they met in the first place, Nevermind i think i know the answer

    anti teabagger // 2013-02-17 19:12:37 // //
  • I agree with Deepak. I like to break it down to really see what is being threatened. Is it my self esteem, security, ambition, personal relations and/or sex relations. Is there fear behind that and there is always fear involved for me. Once I identify what I feel is being threatened, I look at my part. Where was I bring selfish or self seeking, dishonest and frightened. When I answer these honestly, I am able to see what areas in me need to be worked on and not the other person. I find that at some time I made a decision based on self that has put me in the position that is harming me. It is quite freeing to realize that it is me and not the person/world that is controlling my emotions.

    James // 2013-02-17 13:26:07 // //
  • your husband seems to be having fun with these couple & you may feel insecure that after getting high on marijuana they may have group sex, that is your insecurity...& that is huge. well these things come & go ,although you cannot control what your husband wants, even if he wants to fall in ditch. if he is of this type & you stop him from falling, he will fall sometime later. Let him fall into sewer and then he may learn from the pain. if not he may die in this pain. but the pain you will suffer from his going for another women, will cause you also lot of trouble & pain, i don`t know if you can do any thing to get over from your suffering. you should see how that pain feels & how much you can bear and what is the next level of pain.

    rascal // 2013-02-16 02:03:02 // //
  • But what about it is real that this situation is affecting their marriage? It will be a break point eventually? If we are seeing danger, we are not suppose to do nothing?

    Yamile // 2013-02-15 00:31:37 // //
  • Go with your instincts or gut feeling. I had a similar situation where I denied my gut response to find that a weiiiiiiird (really weird) relationship was developing between my husband the wife of the other couple. When I discovered this I said to my husband, "get mental help, or get out," and I cut offf all contact with the couple. Don`t second guess yourself. Don`t be afraid to get answers from your husband and decide what you will and will not live with.

    Been there // 2013-02-15 00:23:37 // //
  • Since you can not change anyone else. Try focusing on the "good" qualities in these people and see if that changes your perspective and how "you" are dealing with them.

    Nancy K Armstrong // 2013-02-14 16:54:59 // //
  • Great advice

    Ginger Connelly- Escalante // 2013-02-14 00:42:33 // //
  • Hello, I have learned in life that when something emerges from our essence in a fear based intention it will create confusion. I`ve been working with things and learning that there is this (metaphorically speaking) underlying flow of progress that exists in our soul. Sometimes we attempt to swim with the current, or against it, when all we have to do is flow along with it. We at times attempt to go against the flow physically, emotionally, and mentally. And we might not even be aware of this flow, but it is easy to know when we are in it because there is very little effort in our thoughts and actions as we go about life. This gives us a great sense of relief. I would assume that you are bothered about this relationship because a part of you knows that at some point you and your husband need to get back on the same page about mutual progression and mutual understanding. There should be no need to be using substances if a person is in the flow. In fact substances will take away from the relief of being in the flow, which I think is always our ultimate destination, we try to center ourselves in and balance with. So clearly I think that you understand this is creating a fear that there is a drifting apart occurring in your relationship. But your job is always to remain centered in the flow. We actually create more problems when we step out of our own center and make efforts to attempt to control the efforts outside ourselves, then we end up in a tug of war between guiding others and working on ourselves. The use of substances always takes us out of that flow zone, and it takes a lot of time and work to get back in the right direction. In my own experiences, you should work on centering and balancing yourself and your life so that when you attempt to communicate or express your concerns about the mutual progression it will come from the right place with perfect compassion. A whole and solace place within. That will be your best effort. I do believe there is a final destination in a relationship where two people nurture each other enough to be free and open in every way so that they bond perfectly in the flow, and bond thoughtlessly with no worries or fear involved. Because when one is in the flow they know everything is going as perfectly as it can and so can be no worry because there is this deep knowing that everything will be okay. Not only is it an amazing sexual/spiritual connection but it evolves our whole essence. For when something `that real` occurs it gives each person a deep inner confidence to lean on. Sort of like a proof that the soul and spirit are very real and very electric.

    Nicholis Hill // 2013-02-13 19:45:56 // //
  • Deepak Chopra is quite the enlightened man. Whenever confronted with a situation you cannot control, try to mediate on the Guru within, the 3rd eye as many refer to it as, the area deep within the brain where lies the pituitary gland. Acceptance and then surrender to the situation is the beginning. Having such intense "likes" and "dislikes" or judgements if you will will only precipitate that situation into your life more... once you reach a state of acceptance of things that you cannot change, and then surrender unto it.... Then the true magical gift arises... Manifest reality... you will notice... not only are you no longer bothered by the situation, but as the universe circumstances will have it... it disappears out of your existence entirely as do those people... Effortlessly. God Bless you have this level of insight and experience.

    AlisVolatPropriis // 2013-02-13 15:15:44 // //
  • hmm ditch the friends and the husband !!!!

    Trish Bartlett // 2013-02-13 14:07:48 // //
  • Bien dit!

    Martinache Etienne // 2013-02-13 13:44:22 // //
  • Amen,,, I have learned that process long ago! thanks for sharing,, i needed a refresher course!

    Shirlene Mc Clain Tompkins // 2013-02-13 13:33:23 // //
  • Maestro

    Luis Eduardo Custillo // 2013-02-13 11:26:00 // //
  • Stand tall in making your own choices. I would also say that if you do decide to spend any time at all with these people you have the right to ask them not to smoke in your presence. What they do on their own time and in their own private world is their business. If they,.otherwise, have qualities you like and admire then you might want to retain the relationship because you feel they do contribute something. Otherwise, maybe its time to part ways.

    Marlene Ross // 2013-02-13 10:21:11 // //
  • I love Chopra :)

    Scott Black // 2013-02-13 09:30:47 // //
  • How true!!!! Hmmm.....

    Debbie McAndrews // 2013-02-13 08:52:38 // //
  • ..

    Royce Tan // 2013-02-13 05:36:34 // //
  • Why is it always pictures of Deepak and not what he sees?

    Kathy Bishop // 2013-02-13 03:14:43 // //
  • I dont agree fully Soory boss !

    Kumar Pradeep Banerjee // 2013-02-12 22:55:04 // //
  • it depends on whats important. most people need someone else to gain self control or to feel whole with there lack of self control but yes some don't have a solution to there own pain and need up lifting support in there time of pain.

    Christopher M Hawkes // 2013-02-12 22:25:26 // //
  • This is bullshit advice.

    Vicki Raptoulis // 2013-02-12 22:05:20 // //
  • Seriously????? Come on Deepak I expected something Waaaaay better from you.

    Vicki Raptoulis // 2013-02-12 22:05:01 // //
  • very insightful advise...

    Lourdes Oliver Benz // 2013-02-12 20:05:25 // //
  • This is obviously a decision you have taken along time to make, it is hard when we have a friend or family member whom is toxic. The decision you have made is not easy, through this i would have thought your husband would be supportive but he is making his own choices. Maybe u could ask him not to discuss them with u and not put u in a situation where they are there. We all have a right to choose who we see, as long as u have made your feelings clear he should respect that and understand your meaning behind it. Sometimes life is not as black and white as we wish it was i am also against any type of drug use in the end it ruiens your life. Kia kaha

    Delwyn Mulholland // 2013-02-12 19:51:23 // //
  • And actually, Sonia Grigorian, weed is a drug--it affects the way you feel/act--it messes with your central nervous system, so technically it's a drug, just like cocaine which is a plant and just like caffeine which is a plant, just like alcohol which is mostly plant based. Now, I do agree that weed should be legal, but it's still a drug and affects people.

    Casey Trudell Alligood // 2013-02-12 18:25:25 // //
  • Good answer, deepak. I can relate to this woman. <3 xox

    Kristen Wight // 2013-02-12 17:43:42 // //
  • speaking of mary-jane, is the dude in the background tokin up??

    Sam Thomas Jr // 2013-02-12 16:16:47 // //
  • Escellent advice

    Jose Carlos Fimbres // 2013-02-12 15:59:45 // //
  • i will read this again and again and try to understand my belief that i can control everything.....and to understand where the feeling originates. Thank you!

    Donna Andrea // 2013-02-12 15:42:37 // //
  • Love Deepak and his responses.. However, in regards to Marijuana (IT IS NOT A DRUG, IT IS A PLANT THE EARTH PROVIDED US WITH).. Please investigate on the Positive uses of HEMP and their medicinal benefits...

    Sonia Grigorian // 2013-02-12 15:17:34 // //
  • wow

    Leela Jha // 2013-02-12 15:15:33 // //
  • AMEN! :)

    Adrie Vera // 2013-02-12 15:05:45 // //
  • Buen humorrr

    Marleny Quispe Chavez // 2013-02-12 15:02:12 // //
  • Excelente respuesta, Gracias por compartirlo!!

    Conciencia Infinita // 2013-02-12 14:27:18 // //
  • i say if u really don t like weed at all, ask them to use elsewhere--if her toxicty continues to wear off on him bail out and find urself a guy without ''baggage'' u do not want to carry---? capiche

    Mike Wallace // 2013-02-12 14:02:33 // //
  • Who is this guy ,he must be like dr. Phil. He can cure all problems just by talking.

    Jack Eichenlaub // 2013-02-12 13:41:12 // //
  • Great answer!

    Veronica Rivas // 2013-02-12 13:39:06 // //
  • Thanks Deepak! I like the response that says to honor other's choices without taking it personally! Namaste'

    Kimberly Miller Degmetich // 2013-02-12 13:34:36 // //
  • Namaste Deepak, am a great fan of yours. I respect and admire your work. Guess you could say you are my mentor, my inspiration, and i revere you....tell me Deepak, how do you begin to heal, how do you forgive? The story goes like this....both him and i worked at the same place. We wre both married to different people. I was an abused and battered wife...he made himself available to comfort me. He said nasty things abput his then wife. Eventually she divorced him. I also got divorced. My husband left me for a girl in my street. She is 22 yrs younger than him. Her name is Sherry. So my bfriend and i got together. I visited him every weekend..and like a good Indoan wife, i did everything for him... found him cheating but stayed...believing his lies and promises for our future. Some years ago he started cheating on me with a gym instructor namdd Sherry who is 22 years ypunger than him. He neglected me, rejected me, ridiculed me, abused me, hurt me, shattered me, persecuted me, insulted me for the few xtra pounds i have. Eventually we broke up. She moved in with him. I see them everyday. Its hard. I totally loved him, but i just cant seem to get past the hurt and the pain of betrayal.....hes 56, she is 34, am 44. Please give me some guidance on how do i heal, forgive and move on. Both him, her amd her mom have been very abusive to me. Am a single mom. My daughter is sixteen. Namaste Bhaiya Deepak.

    Ria Rambharose // 2013-02-12 13:26:25 // //
  • Am I the only one who thinks this lady has a stick up her butt? Why is she so upset about marijuana? If she doesn`t want to do it then don`t do it? Her problem seems to be more with her husband. They should have talked about what each of them considers normal alcohol or drug use before they got married. You should marry someone with similar values. What is so strange about her is that she said she was friends with this person for seven years. So her behavior didn`t bother her before or what? She probably knew her in college and partied with her. I am sure she was part of this gossiping when she was younger. Something tells me that she was more like her when they were best buds. Now she is older and stuck up. People change and grow apart. Instead of gossiping about her back she should just be mature about it. She is projecting all this negativity about everyone else. It is creepy to me.

    PJ // 2013-02-12 13:14:55 // //
  • Just dump the toxic husband.

    Chris Kondic // 2013-02-12 12:59:29 // //
  • Everyone judges. Everyone!

    Mark Hutchinson // 2013-02-12 12:18:41 // //
  • Before jumping to conclusions, maybe this toxic friend has done real damage to this woman...stolen from her, manipulated her, come between her marriage? There are a lot of things that give a person the right to break off a relationship. There is nothing wrong with being "judgmental" if someone else is causing you harm. P.S. Everyone here who is bashing her for being judgmental is being incredibly judgmental themselves, especially since you know very little about the situation.

    Jennifer Wittstruck Griffith // 2013-02-12 12:16:42 // //
  • Geez people.. The point of this post isn't to get annoyed and pick apart this women's perception of the situation. Rather, the response to handle things out of your own control. Everyone has something similar to where we feel angst because we feel out of control and helpless... She obviously has a trigger from her past. What are your past traumas that have become unnecessary triggers.. Evaluate it that way. Just saying. This could be applied to many scenarios if you open the mind.

    Samantha Johns // 2013-02-12 12:14:51 // //
  • sounds like the real issue is being judgmental. Since this woman is perfect in every way, maybe she should be writing the book so the rest of us who are mere "humans" can learn how to be perfect too. get a life.

    Sherry Morris // 2013-02-12 11:34:52 // //
  • WOW! Deeepak your are amazing.

    Massiel Rada // 2013-02-12 11:31:56 // //
  • Take a hit and chill out yo

    Jeremy Demarce // 2013-02-12 11:21:59 // //
  • I think the real "toxic friend" is being misidentified by the projecting lady.

    Dan Bynum // 2013-02-12 10:50:04 // //
  • "Once you are able to honor others' choices without taking it personally ..." Is key and also is "... that isn't directly threatening us."

    Charles Biehl // 2013-02-12 10:43:47 // //
  • I believe you can be around toxic people and in your unconditional love of them actually help them...that doesn't mean you have to agree with what they are doing or that you have to partake....they need your example..

    Sheryl Kay Lowe // 2013-02-12 10:34:48 // //
  • I usually cut off relationships of those who Judge and try to control others...

    Steve Chaszar // 2013-02-12 10:32:58 // //
  • Two sides to every story Perhaps the response from Deepak should be reread. Look within always <3

    Daragh Mahony // 2013-02-12 10:32:33 // //
  • Good stuff...sharing...

    David Hilliard // 2013-02-12 10:30:56 // //
  • Choosing how to respond to one`s circumstances has much to do with how one perceives what really are the circumstances. To embrace real freedom and feel that you have done the best you can, be creative by considering many choices, and be bold and daring by risking loss. And the most important thing is then to let go and see what happens. Three beautiful qualities of life are that it goes on, it is full of surprises, and it offers lessons to those who are receptive.

    Ron Greenstein // 2013-02-12 10:08:17 // //
  • Of course we cannot control the environment, but theres a bond that connects this couple, and once capable of dialoguing I believe they can agree on a solution that can be good to both of them.

    Ariadne Azeredo // 2013-02-12 10:07:50 // //
  • She said her husband agrees this friend to be "toxic" ... so... They have the same opinion. I believe to be just a matter of time for them to set this unhealthy friendship free...

    Ariadne Azeredo // 2013-02-12 10:06:03 // //
  • listening to him opens eyes

    Donna McDonald Donato // 2013-02-12 09:50:28 // //
  • I think that this woman will suffer if she continues seeing this acidic woman and will also suffer if she sees her husband keeps seing her, I think she should dump them both for a while so they get an ultimatum and get serious...

    Anupama Prasad // 2013-02-12 09:40:06 // //
  • Wowww !! Deepak you are my inspiration!!

    Eliana Garza // 2013-02-12 09:37:06 // //
  • Well said.....really love this answer!

    Amy Diemling // 2013-02-12 09:24:51 // //
  • dude i love u so much... im dealing with this and i pass for the bad guy

    Christian Spézakis // 2013-02-12 09:08:50 // //
  • The husband is the toxic one, he could still be friends with them but not have to smoke weed.

    Daniel Idzan // 2013-02-12 09:07:38 // //
  • amen:)

    Pam Riano // 2013-02-12 08:52:51 // //
  • Firstly, I admire you for having the courage to not remain friends with your toxic friend. It takes a lot of strength and confidence, in yourself to abandon that unhealthy friendship and I believe it is the best thing to do, in your self evolution of growth. As far as the situation with your husband, he is disrespectful of you and your wishes to not remain friends with the toxic couple. If you'll accept your husband to continue smoking, then set boundaries with him by asking him not to smoke or associate with the toxic couple. This would show mutual respect for each other in your marital relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

    Elvira Weitman // 2013-02-12 08:52:06 // //
  • I wonder if the husband was free to smoke mj at home, would he still associate with these people.

    Edwina Evans // 2013-02-12 08:48:12 // //
  • very timely comment

    Ellen Snow // 2013-02-12 08:46:18 // //
  • WOW

    Don Linda Lewis // 2013-02-12 08:35:52 // //
  • Simple. Leave him!!

    Christopher E. Westrom // 2013-02-12 08:35:27 // //
  • Amen!

    Rebecca Mae Evans // 2013-02-12 08:34:08 // //
  • I completely agree with Deepak. It is our insecurity that has us needing others to act and do the things we want them to do. She is equally disrespectful to him in trying to control who he is friends with. She made a decision for herself, not for them both.

    Jane Lehman // 2013-02-12 08:33:06 // //
  • "Toxic "people may need love , compassion and patience,but it is not selfish to remove yourself from a draining and unhealthy situation with people .What about healthy limits? How long is long enough?

    Jen Greene // 2013-02-12 08:31:15 // //
  • Try not to control ... The world is not black and white. You want your husband to agree to the .lesson. you wish to teach and he does not. You can learn your own lesson about accepting others as they are. Try a codependency group.

    Karen Cassidy // 2013-02-12 08:27:25 // //
  • Brilliant!!! Wow!

    Jennifer Talcott // 2013-02-12 08:22:18 // //
  • I love deepak but I am sorry I do not agree with the answer. We are always told to be forgiving of all but I feel sometimes it is your right to move on if that person has no part in repairing a situation - also nothing is more hurtful than your partner not recognising your feelings and not supporting you. Please no negativity back to me I am however only expressing my opinion.

    Rhonda Jones // 2013-02-12 08:22:02 // //
  • Sometimes the "toxic" prople need ur light like u once needef

    Ronda Bryant // 2013-02-12 08:14:18 // //
  • I agree with Deepak`s suggestion. When the final conclusion is staying away from those toxic people, it's time to evaluate the relationship with the husband in the same terms, because obviously they are attracting him too much, and everyone you surround yourself with leaves his/her traces in yourself.

    Kerstin Vollbrecht // 2013-02-12 08:10:35 // //
  • It really is always about our own story~~ Always..I love aging ...the wisdom that it brings is priceless!

    Susan Kwietnieski-Ulmer // 2013-02-12 08:09:11 // //
  • Very true Deepak! Not same situation but I had to see what was behind my insecurity and heal!

    Julie LaQue // 2013-02-12 08:07:11 // //
  • I love Deepak, saw him lecture in person and met him personally. We definagely can't control much of anything in our lives, but we have a responibility to ourselves to elliminate that which is toxic in our lives, including people. The key is learning to accept and let go with love when all else fails. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference..."

    Karen Casey // 2013-02-12 08:03:07 // //
  • I agree with Deepak's insight and suggestion for her to look within. However, I do think there are "deal breakers" in relationships, and things that can be over looked and/or accepted. That is up to her. And if this friend feels toxic to her, even after the soul searching, she may serve her highest good to "unfriend". If the drug use is a deal breaker for the marriage...then we already know what the answer is. She/we cannot control what others do, only what we do...and we have the right to choose.

    Kelly Pandolfi Bradway // 2013-02-12 07:57:11 // //
  • I have found when you try to avoid one person or situation, another similar one presents itself. I believe we sometimes need to go through the experience in order to learn to observe the toxicity without "catching it."

    Gwen Harvey // 2013-02-12 07:56:15 // //
  • I think eliminating certain people allows room to grow for yourself. It's already so difficult to remain focused and positive to make your life better and being around like minded people makes the experience (life) much more enjoyable and gives a sense of progression. Being around people who are "whoa is me" and doing things like drugs and not "living right" are difficult to be around... just because you avoid them for now, doesn't mean you have to avoid them forever.... I have done a lot of this is over the past year and honestly, I feel better for it.

    Christine Lane // 2013-02-12 07:49:12 // //
  • Another problem (one of hundreds I see daily) that can be solved by a simple shift in perception! To quote Avi from revolver "how radical are you prepared to be mr green,change the rules on what controls you,you change the rules on what you can control"

    Dominic Saunders // 2013-02-12 07:48:34 // //
  • por favor que publiquen la traduccion en español

    Tere Irala // 2013-02-12 07:46:49 // //
  • I don't think eliminating people from our lives is the answer. Look inside and see what bothers you, have compassion for yourself and others. We will never agree with everyone in our lives, we just need to make peace with them, for example Mr. Science, Alex M Crawley. He clearly needs our compassion!

    Catherine Smith // 2013-02-12 07:39:49 // //

    Sham Poeran // 2013-02-12 07:38:38 // //
  • @ Deepak Chopra. Whats the Difference between toxic and stressful relationships? I started eliminating all persons from my life that were "toxic" and found I'm now alone not lonely because I recall Deepak saying your life is a mirror and didn't want that toxicity to be a part of me. Although I think I am very very far from that.

    Bryan Bernard // 2013-02-12 07:11:31 // //
  • Your answer is good. But i want say, that am a woman too and it's very difficult to live with a man like this. Namaste

    Soemintradebie Gajadin // 2013-02-12 06:36:22 // //
  • Wise answer

    Soussan Majidzadeh // 2013-02-12 06:09:54 // //
  • ^wow what wisdom

    Alex M Crawley // 2013-02-12 05:52:56 // //
  • Sometimes I struggle with a situation like this too: one way I deal with it is to think, it doesn't have the same meaning to him as it does to me. Good luck finding a strategy. The good news is, when it does stop upsetting you the scenario will probably leave your life anyway. X

    Dawna D Henson // 2013-02-12 05:51:42 // //
  • I'm not the dick who thinks science is obsolete,i suppose if i was peddling books that have no scientific value i'd say that,keep following your new age fashion gurus,and you call me a dick,the irony.

    Alex M Crawley // 2013-02-12 05:45:45 // //
  • Sometimes we have to think less of ourselves and more about others. The toxic friend needs love too abet in the form of friendship. We shouldn't turn our backs on people because they are toxic. The toxic people in our lives need us the most!

    Brad Garbus // 2013-02-12 05:41:55 // //
  • Love don't gave to be painful.. Girl leave him a move on...

    Anaid Zepol // 2013-02-12 05:40:42 // //
  • I agree with Keshni Kamini. When we seek truth and continue on our path sometimes relationships turn toxic as we grow. Sometimes there is pain involved in terminating the relationship. If there is no pain or sacrifice or suffering then there is no growth. In the pain, suffering and sacrifice we find Love.

    Dallas Mann // 2013-02-12 05:35:40 // //
  • Yes I suggest we all avoid the person a few comments up who goes by the name Alex M Crawley he seems to be a bit if a dick :)

    Llael McDonald // 2013-02-12 05:31:56 // //
  • Take it a day at a time

    Mar Mar // 2013-02-12 05:29:32 // //
  • I think this is about loss.

    Charon Marie Graham // 2013-02-12 05:27:21 // //
  • its better to avoid toxic people..they drain u

    Keshni Kamini // 2013-02-12 05:22:07 // //
  • Is very important this theme.

    Eleni Solange // 2013-02-12 05:06:00 // //
  • And why does everyone automatically think the husband is having an affair?

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 05:03:56 // //
  • I love that, :)

    Marie Holmes // 2013-02-12 05:03:07 // //
  • Who really is talking about marihuana ?

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 05:01:10 // //
  • Seems to me the most important thing to remember is that it is all God... If you can face your fear and honestly convey to your spouse your feelings there is a middle ground in most cases; with time and open conversation between each of you there is a resolution for all.

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 04:59:51 // //
  • Oh no they smoke cannabis??!!...well i'm anti bs so will never buy one of your books,your twitter post about Atheists being an embarrassment and the science they use being obsolete was embarrassing,ignore science but pay to read your non science nonsense,no thanks..

    Alex M Crawley // 2013-02-12 04:59:37 // //
  • Let go dear friend

    Lynn McCreadie // 2013-02-12 04:54:49 // //
  • Everyone can control his/her life, if your husband doesn't respect your opinion ... move on quickly!

    Nadine Djeha // 2013-02-12 04:46:40 // //
  • The husband maintains the friendship that the wife is opposed to so that he can support his habit. The wife is wise and should continue to move forward and remove herself from the toxic friend/relationship. As she continues on her journey and discovers true love for herself, she may have to next, reevaluate her relationship with her husband as well.

    Rosemary Clappsy // 2013-02-12 04:40:58 // //
  • That's why he's advising her to deal with her own fears... What is truly bothering her about the subject: her girlfriend and her husband and their behavior; their inability to hear and respect her feelings about it; and what this truly means. Can she respect their needs vs hers? Has she truly stated the real depth of her concerns?

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 04:35:02 // //
  • Yes .that which is .. outside ones circle of influence. . I can only be handled by concerned person.. That's all we can control .. our choices and responses

    Suman Dev-Mahajan // 2013-02-12 04:34:50 // //
  • Deepak Chopra-you are always so full of words of wisdom. I love reading your posts, and I loved your book, How To Know God.

    Allison Brannon // 2013-02-12 04:29:20 // //
  • If you can't change the consciousness of those around you then you have to walk away. This same situation happened to me and I chose to walk away, not run away, I have grown so much standing on my own two feet, now my "ex husband" is my best friend and the love between us is now unconditional. It has been hard work but worth the effort and an interesting path so far. It would be arrogant to expect others to understand us.

    Angela Thorn // 2013-02-12 04:29:13 // //
  • Essentially what he is saying is : the only thing that we have ANY CONTROL over in our lives is 'OUR LIFE'. The moment we get out of that frame we are lost.

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 04:25:54 // //
  • God grant me the Serentiy to accept the things i can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference!

    Dr-Vanessa Shields-Fiore // 2013-02-12 04:24:08 // //
  • I thought she was talking about her child , not her husband - the advice is right on.

    Elisabeth Nickles // 2013-02-12 04:17:10 // //
  • Spouse that much freedom, space and understanding. It takes years of work, study and spiritual growth to be able to have that kind of understanding.

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 04:14:13 // //
  • aho !

    Janek Dubicki // 2013-02-12 04:14:01 // //
  • Deepak speaks the truth... But he speaks it from great height and with great wisdom and understanding. Most of us cannot truly give a spuse

    Pamella Sweitzer // 2013-02-12 04:12:30 // //
  • I never pretend to be understood by "everybody" but only that have develop a certain consciousness..the sun always shines..but it makes flowers growing in a garden..and thorns in the desert. it's always up to the earth where we sow, starting from our own :-)

    La Vita // 2013-02-12 04:09:38 // //
  • It's ALL grey area folks, and needs to be worked out on a day by day basis. We can't be hard asses about our values, because it ALL changes. Gotta DO what you FEEL.

    Dustin Hay // 2013-02-12 04:05:21 // //
  • This is a brilliant answer to me! We have no control over what others do! We don't own each other, marriage is not ownership! Pay attention to what you are doing as an individual what you do have control over!

    Felicia Andrecht // 2013-02-12 04:04:03 // //
  • What a load of nonsense. If my therapist answered me like that I would reclaim my money. Why can't you keep it simple. Start with her talking and making herself heard to her husband . So much rhetoric !

    Howard Silver // 2013-02-12 03:49:02 // //
  • Brilliantly answered :)

    Sean Bentley // 2013-02-12 03:42:42 // //
  • EVERYTHING IS RELATED TO OUR POINT OF VIEW. and when our point of view comes from heart, it can only be love, and love is a transforming agent. Feel love for your friends, feel love for your husband and the universe will adjust the rest in the way it's supposed to go.

    La Vita // 2013-02-12 03:39:33 // //
  • Ja

    Leif Järnkvist // 2013-02-12 03:29:49 // //
  • I needed to hear this. Thanks as always, Deepak.

    Tommy Bell // 2013-02-12 03:25:00 // //
  • I believe that one should never compromise their value system for anyone & you have to be honest with yourself & particularly w/ your friend as well before ANYTHING can be resolved in a respectful way. Your choice to be honest w/ friend & friend's choice to say I CARE how you feel therefore I'll listen & adhere to your request. Maturity must be present for one to see that the other one is not going to change unless it's their personal decision.

    Valerie Tucker // 2013-02-12 03:20:59 // //
  • Using marijuana occasionally isnt necessarily a "druggie". Healthy is a word thats relative also, who is at their potential peak BEST health? No one. Its unattainable. Who's to say whats healthy. Often times what we think are negative impacts are the very things that help us to grow, strengthen us.

    Hanu Manzano-Hill // 2013-02-12 02:53:32 // //
  • Maybe weed improves some peoples grammar ^

    Tess D'anBee // 2013-02-12 02:51:35 // //
  • Soory-normally love DC but this advice IS AWFUL! Lets have toxic people in your life..druggies no less, and your hubby would rather spend time smoking dope with them then being with you or respecting you not wanting to be around them. Forget the Freud song n dance ol Deepak here is trying to sell you-its BULLSHIT. Here how it really is....your afraid your gonna loose your hubby to drugs and these other people-probably he also having an affiar with the wife. HE'S NOT WORTH IT...if he cant talk about and respect how you feel, he's not worth your time and love. Bye bye, let the trash man pick him up (or his druggie friends) and move on to healthier people. :)

    Cynthia Jay // 2013-02-12 02:41:31 // //
  • Ppl come into ur life 4 a reason. I agree with Joshua, u should try 2 make them c their toxic habit 4rm ur point of view. And maybe brainstorm on things u can do together that will strengthen ur relationship not destroy it

    Sage Tose // 2013-02-12 02:27:23 // //
  • Love it thank you

    Sharnene Cahenzli // 2013-02-12 02:26:13 // //
  • Just listening to your Gots more power then the Head..we are all Perfect as we are..blessings...

    Jennifer Halbritter Yogasmile // 2013-02-12 02:20:07 // //
  • I like the perspective that you are giving to this problem Deepak and I like that you are helping people with their individual issues. Answering them publically gives us all insight and a new understanding that we can apply to our own lives. Thank you for your continuing wisdom. I for one am inspired and grateful.

    Deborah Kelly // 2013-02-12 02:19:53 // //
  • I wonder if her reason's of avoiding this friend are honest,to my opinion either she is jealous of her husband of wanting to continue the relation or she was never a friend. To me a true friend is for better & worse,worse is even more important because that's when you need the most & try to help if you can.That's what friend are for.

    Helen Pataki // 2013-02-12 02:10:10 // //
  • Carmello King

    Strength Wisdom // 2013-02-12 02:06:47 // //
  • To cut off completely a 7 years friendship because of using Marijuana occasionally is : TOXIC :)

    Kasimi Nikola // 2013-02-12 02:02:17 // //
  • I agree with Mr. Chopra. Also, if this is a seven year old friendship, and you consider her a close friend, perhaps the relationship deserves more respect than a disconnection. Have you addressed the issue of the "toxicity" with your close friend? Direct, sincere, and loving communication is important to maintaining healthy relationships. There are no toxic people, only detrimental or conflicting habits and behavior. If a person adjusts their behavior to be more harmonious, are they toxic anymore? Your close friends might not want to lose the friendship they share with you and your husband. Do your best to present your feelings and concerns to your close friends and your husband, and respect your "toxic" friends' feelings, also. Be patient and exercise merciful understanding. These people are in your life for a reason. Love them and cherish the positive aspects of their presence.

    Joshua Cantrell // 2013-02-12 01:58:43 // //
  • Of course she is scared Deepak and why wouldn't she ? Two things, drugs and her marriage in jeopardy ... it is not a perceived threat .... it IS a threat Deepak, and forgiveness and acceptance won't stop her husband doing drugs or running away with her best friend believe me ... experience my friend my heart goes to this lady xx

    Veronique Menand // 2013-02-12 01:57:45 // //
  • I liked this response Deepak Chopra. Good one and extremely insightful.

    Dennis Taraporewala // 2013-02-12 01:56:12 // //
  • Put love on it and see what happens. I suspect you will find that is what is needed, if you won't accept the people involved give yourself permission to change things.

    Raquel Lozano // 2013-02-12 01:55:08 // //
  • Sometimes there is wisdom in just letting people go that we just don't like.

    Laura Botsford // 2013-02-12 01:48:06 // //
  • So helpful!

    Virginia Russo // 2013-02-12 01:43:34 // //
  • beautifuly put!!!!

    Alejandra Serres // 2013-02-12 01:38:39 // //
  • Well said...

    Susan Fenton Roberts // 2013-02-12 01:35:48 // //
  • Yes, very helpfull indeed!

    Liesbet Wijnen // 2013-02-12 01:35:15 // //
  • Very helpfull réponse

    Marcia Llamas Marantos // 2013-02-12 01:22:22 // //
  • Good words of wisdom...

    Monique Roblin // 2013-02-12 01:19:36 // //
  • Your insightful response helped me work on an upsetting but uncontrollable situation. Thanks!!

    Kim Nery Drndarski // 2013-02-12 01:18:01 // //
  • Excellent response Mr. Chopra.

    Sheri Bessi // 2013-02-12 01:16:50 // //
  • You nailed it right on the spot with, “how to deal with things you can’t control.” Your answer explains why she feels the way she does and hopefully she will be at peace as she puts in practice your advise. This is a learning experience and the question is what have I learned? Now I accept what is happening and now I move forward.

    Jessica Delgadillo Rodriguez // 2013-02-12 01:16:08 // //
  • U SUCH A ' DUDE ', YES... : )

    Deborah Cunningham // 2013-02-12 01:14:47 // //
  • I also struggle when something feels out of my control in my relationship. I always try to ask myself if I'm accepting my husbands journey or if I'm letting my ego run the show. Sometimes I still choose to let the ego run the show. ;)

    Crystell Yohn // 2013-02-12 01:13:39 // //
  • So tru!!!

    Ashley Greene // 2013-02-12 01:12:53 // //
  • Accept what cannot be changed , change what you can and be wise to know the difference. but if all else fails then change yourself to either live with it or remove yourself from it

    GA McBain // 2013-02-12 01:12:18 // //
  • The things we resist most are the mirrors of ourselves... our own mental perceptions of our own fear based mentalities. Your response was perfection at its best... She needs to look within as the window into what fear based realuiy she has created for herself..therein lies her healing. She may not be ready for the truth though...

    Kathryn Austin // 2013-02-12 01:12:05 // //
  • So true !!!

    Pia Nussbaum // 2013-02-12 01:06:17 // //
  • Great answer. Very insightful as always. Thank you Deepak!

    Elaine Suh Bartlett // 2013-02-12 00:51:42 // //
  • Some people need marijuana or alcohol to calms them down mentally. If they outgrow it, then meditation becomes the drug of choice. A heightening of the senses and awareness is the best kind of "drunk". That is the elixir of the masters.

    Jonathon Lee Cortez // 2013-02-12 00:45:29 // //
  • he replied with respect and love, i would not brush over his response, before sleeping on it, at the very least

    Charles Tony Kimble // 2013-02-12 00:42:34 // //
  • If you want to suspect someone else of being "Toxic" it's best to take a look in the mirror and evaluate yourself rather than labeling your friends. What kind of selfish "friend" does that anyway?

    Joshua Swanson // 2013-02-12 00:42:12 // //
  • I will say I agree, for the most part, with the disagreements to Deepak's advice on an emotional level. It is hard & pretty much impossible to be in a relationship where you feel your partner disrespects something dear to you. On an emotional level (& I speak from experience) it is horrible. The issue in the end does come down to control though & her getting back in touch with who she is, what she wants & moving from that place. If her husband, after careful discussion, is not in line with that, then she may have to get some distance, or possibly let go of it all together. She can't control him & that, I feel, is the greater message in this. She needs to comes from a place of empowerment, which is where focusing on herself, rather than the the current toxic people in her life, may be the better way.

    Michelle Russo // 2013-02-12 00:41:38 // //
  • I'm not sure we heard the whole story. Sounds like you struggled with changing your life, cutting out the toxic friend. So maybe your husband is also toxic? Another life change?

    Donna Bunce // 2013-02-12 00:40:19 // //
  • Makes sense to me...

    Marion Briggs // 2013-02-12 00:37:11 // //
  • Reading this and his books will always be worth my time - Deepak Chopra I have admired you for years so inspiring yet bold and honest and tells you how it is ... love love Deepak Chopra - my fave!

    Noo Fitz // 2013-02-12 00:37:07 // //
  • Why do you always add a photo of yourself in every response, just curious

    Jamie Daley // 2013-02-12 00:36:57 // //
  • I'm sorry deepak... I don't agree with the reply. There are thing we can't control but I'm guessing the issue is beyond that. The Issue is a marriage decision for the Sanity of the marriage.

    Tania Martínez Moraga // 2013-02-12 00:34:54 // //
  • Great answer

    Liora Netanel // 2013-02-12 00:33:34 // //
  • "Weed" helped me tremendously this year. Battling bone cancer and faced a lower leg amputation. By injesting it through cookies and THC pills and smoking my tumor shrunk and was killed over 95% in combination with chemo. I was told "chemo might just stop it from growing". I may have lost a limb but I BEAT cancer thanks to medicinal marijuana or "weed". GET OVER THE 50's STIGMA.

    Chris Millan // 2013-02-12 00:32:57 // //
  • Seems people are missing the point. You can't always control situations and you definitely can't control others. It's difficult to accept that people are reflections of our Self; in doing that, we can no longer blame others for our unhappiness.

    Samantha Kennell // 2013-02-12 00:32:22 // //
  • u cant choose someones friends, i actually had a similar story with my man,, i let him know how i felt, but i let him be- i didnt nag him on the subject,,, & eventually he saw it for him self, an terminated the relationship all on his own,,, an if he would have continued down that road with them-i would have jus severed our relationship,, because every one has the right to be around the people who up left them an make them feel in the positive,, negative jealous people are toxic,, but about the pot smoking it sounds to me like her man smokes as well so why shes pointing fingers at the couple she obviously has deeper problems in her relationship an needs a scape goat an that couple is the target*

    Lazeezee Sierra // 2013-02-12 00:30:37 // //
  • the more she pushes for him to stay away from them... the closer to that couple he will become

    Kit Bridgeman // 2013-02-12 00:30:17 // //
  • A marriage is a union, Wendy. One would hope that each of the participants would respect the other one's needs, But beyond that, Deepak explains that she needs to investigate what makes her feel threatened to the point of wanting her husband to stay away from this other couple. He has a right to see who he wants, but why would he want to if it causes his wife pain. I guess that depends on where her unease stems from...

    Mitch Snoddy // 2013-02-12 00:28:32 // //
  • Weed can be bad. Everyone's experience is different.

    Wendy Usher // 2013-02-12 00:28:06 // //
  • I love how you pick some truly difficult question to advise on, and you do such a good job. thank you for sharing.

    Dawn Stamplecoskie // 2013-02-12 00:27:58 // //
  • It is sometimes difficult to remove the ego from a situation. I had a similar situation yet I was the partner who continued to be friends. In the end I came to my own conclusion about the toxic person and distanced myself. It was of course as you say Deepak, a good lesson and very healing for my partner to realise that it pushed her buttons due to her interpretation triggered by a past event or relationship. What Deepak is saying has such wisdom beyond what most are willing to see. Our choices, our hurts and our way forward in life with peace depends on us allowing things out of our control to manifest and trusting helps the process. It works in my relationship which is truly rewarding.

    Mark Smith // 2013-02-12 00:27:11 // //
  • Toxic people=bad , marijuana=not bad (backed by evidence)

    Amanda Cassidy // 2013-02-12 00:26:50 // //
  • I couldn't have said it better. True talk Deepak

    Lami Dogonyaro // 2013-02-12 00:25:14 // //
  • Cindy and Nick - the issue addressed is that the woman cannot control her husbands desire to continue the relationship with the friends. Perhaps they are not toxic to him; all we know is the writer feels they are toxic..TO HER. The issue is not the toxic people, the issue is her inability to let go of controlling her husband's interaction with them. She hasn't come to the epicenter of her fear as it relates to what she is fearful of happening if her hubby continues to interact with these folks. She can remove herself, but she is trying, unsuccessfully, to remove her hubby.

    Tiffany Berry // 2013-02-12 00:24:39 // //
  • I have met many people in my life, everyone has something good to contribute but are toxic people a reality that should be helped, it is difficult when people in the family or childhood friends. the truth is that when you forgive yourself you are giving a gift to heaven and that many people do not understand by inability to forgive. :)

    Champa Good // 2013-02-12 00:23:45 // //
  • OMG! just end it and stop over thinking it , you really had to ask advice on that ?

    James Bono // 2013-02-12 00:20:58 // //
  • I'm having trouble understanding why some people seem to believe SHE has the right to choose who is or isn't in her life, but her husband doesn't get the same choice.

    Wendy Usher // 2013-02-12 00:19:44 // //
  • Very wise advice!!!

    Julie Bashnick // 2013-02-12 00:19:06 // //
  • I think she needs to ignore that couple and her husband as well. If they all decide to jump off a cliff, she would not want to follow them. Take the high road! I respectfully disagree with your reply Deepak.

    Lyna Castillo-Javier // 2013-02-12 00:17:18 // //
  • I totally agree, we have to look inside ourselves, it is all there. The more judgmental we are with others, the more we have to look inside to find the real answer... To be honest with ourselves... No one says it s easy. We all tend to fight with our own shadows instead of integrating it and seeing things more clearly.,,

    Carina Edenburg // 2013-02-12 00:16:59 // //
  • Excellent advice! NO Judgement!

    Ann Duett // 2013-02-12 00:16:29 // //
  • I agree with Monica, Nick, Gary, Cindy, and especially Sara. Not a good answer, Deepak.

    Grace LaDelfa // 2013-02-12 00:15:09 // //
  • In time hopefully your husband can unite with his wife in this situation, being around toxic people invites drama that should not be invited in a relationship of any kind... The party is over time to grow up and b surrounded by positive law abiding and shy away from the substandard people w no values.. Negative invites negative-end of story, invite positive and like a boomerang it will come back to all surrounded in that environment. :)

    Sara Robertson // 2013-02-12 00:11:58 // //
  • I don't know if I agree with that reply Deepak. Sometimes I just get tired of being around negative people and choose not to be around them anymore.

    Cindy Sue // 2013-02-12 00:10:23 // //
  • Zig Ziglar If you hang around unmotivated people you will fight an uphill battle to stay motivated.

    Gary Soghomonian // 2013-02-12 00:09:25 // //
  • Dont know if I agree with the "everything is your fault" ethos.... sometimes people in your life are being disrespectful and they need to be held accountable for that. My ex girlfriend would act disrespectfully and then say I was angry because I was choosing to.... no I was angry because of her crappy behavior and she was the one who should be introspecting and adjusting. Deepak your advice just sounds like a free pass for the wrong doer and unnecessary guilt for the victim. Then again I dont know the full story

    Nick Sladovich // 2013-02-12 00:08:59 // //
  • Yeeeepers

    Roberto Cruz // 2013-02-12 00:07:26 // //
  • back in NYC...:D

    Mahrgoh Iniurt // 2013-02-12 00:06:02 // //
  • I do not agree with this answer. She has the right to choose the people she wants around. If that friend and her husband make her feel bad, it doesn't necessarily have to be related to an issue from her past. Maybe it is that couple who have issues that makes them behave in a way that affects this woman and hurts her. If this is the case. I believe, for her well being, she has all the right to cut the relationship. And her husband should understand and support her. Anyway, the main thing is that she is not giving enough information to see what the situation is. For example, we don't know what she exactly means by "toxic" and we don't know what the sort of things this couple do or say that hurt this woman are. I think putting the blame straight away on some unresolved past issues of hers is going a bit too far, given the information she has provided.

    Monica Belmonte // 2013-02-12 00:04:41 // //
  • I think she's more concernd about his health rathr dan loyalty..

    Rashika Bhat // 2013-02-12 00:03:13 // //
  • ~

    Clay Seymour // 2013-02-12 00:00:33 // //
  • Beautiful insight as always <3

    Franki Erving // 2013-02-12 00:00:30 // //
  • You rock Deepak! ;-)

    Mike Graves // 2013-02-11 23:59:25 // //
  • *former

    Wendy Usher // 2013-02-11 23:57:50 // //
  • Deepak u rock!

    Mel Fell // 2013-02-11 23:57:39 // //
  • We don't own our partners, anymore than we own anyone else. They have the right to be around whomever they choose, as long as it's all above-board and done with honesty and openness. This issue with the toxic firmer friend is the writer's, not her husband's.

    Wendy Usher // 2013-02-11 23:57:12 // //
  • Better idea: Stop over-analyzing, show up naked, bring beer, get laid, chill the hell out, tell each other you love each other, get laid some more. He'll stop hanging out with his smoker friends and start hanging out with you. Problem solved.

    Paul House // 2013-02-11 23:56:54 // //
  • the last sentence is priceless and so right on!!!

    Glorya Ewing // 2013-02-11 23:56:35 // //
  • Her husband is being disrespectful, and not honoring her because he's resentful that his wife disapproves of the weed and the friends. Why does she have to figure it out and get all into her past? She doesn't have to honor his choices. The guy is being two-faced and she doesn't like it...she wants him to give up the friends for her. She feels betrayed because even though he agrees, he won't support her. No one wins here until she just lets it go, and it will eventually lose it's power over her....he'll either come around without her nagging and preaching at him, or she'll leave.

    Patty Mason // 2013-02-11 23:55:32 // //
  • Peace be with you!!!

    Betty Camposano Anderson // 2013-02-11 23:53:41 // //
  • Jamie LoveLetter wow this article spoke to me all the way through.

    Strength Wisdom // 2013-02-11 23:53:29 // //
  • I believe if something makes you uncomfortable, and you don't always need to understand why, you have the right to remove yourself from the situation. The question is, how do you do that?

    Allison Puka // 2013-02-11 23:50:32 // //
  • Great!

    Patty Batallas Guerrero // 2013-02-11 23:50:22 // //
  • Deep and well put. It is universal truth to her question and countless others. To fully understand and believe this is life changing .

    Jacqueline Matthews // 2013-02-11 23:49:53 // //
  • she*

    Crono Hawk // 2013-02-11 23:48:21 // //
  • In a marriage you become one...rite? If it were the other way around how would you feel? Communication and let it go. Pick ya battles? Is this something that needs to be brought to the fighting ring? If not way blow it up? Move forward together....friends can only get in your business if you share what's going on let him or her have there own friends....but don't be mad when I pick someone you disapprove. Things need to be equally from both ya thang but don't let it break up your marriage... fear nothang ....let them be friends, when you see it doesn't bother you that have nothang to talk about. Iits like a chained pit bull...he can only go as far as the chain let's him, and if he break his chain he is no longer your guard dog, his just another dog that has no idea where he lives due to chasing other loose dogs on the streets. So relax let it go.....choose your battles, and this ain't one...js. excuse the typoz

    Pam Kellum // 2013-02-11 23:47:49 // //
  • that sounds weird from the jump we are not getting two sides of the story sounds like the problem is deeper he needs to get over it lick his wounds and get back on the horse

    Crono Hawk // 2013-02-11 23:46:49 // //
  • Excellent...

    Jose Omar Silva Torres // 2013-02-11 23:44:06 // //
  • She learn to forgive and accept,but if she tells him how she feels and he doesn't respect and accept her....then she should move on. Life is too short. Find what you want in a partner. Don't just settle.

    Brad-Tracy McGrath // 2013-02-11 23:43:53 // //
  • Learn to see marijuana as a pain killer .weed is good for the mind. It is juss a plant and in actual fact its not a drug ...Drug u need to add some ingredients but weed juss grows ...there aint nuttin wrong about smoking weed ...Most people smoke weed even queen Elizabeth used it to ward off cramps ...well medicinal value of weed is so great ,with only 3 common side effect Hungry,Happy and sleepy...So don't judge for u shall be judged also lol

    These Good Sayings // 2013-02-11 23:43:49 // //
  • don't confuse herbs and narcotics...not condoning either one. one is annoying, the other isn truly harmful

    Ray Beran // 2013-02-11 23:42:17 // //
  • I need to move. Florida will never give me what I need. I'll die from an eating disorder due to cancer.

    Laura Burnette-Richards // 2013-02-11 23:41:46 // //
  • For many things, we're not even able to control our reactions.

    River Morrison // 2013-02-11 23:40:53 // //
  • ok but if i stopped hanging out with my friends that were doing drugs because I didn't want to be apart of that, this is not the same because she can't just divorce her husband over that(maybe). I could easily walk away from my friends but not as easy as it is for her to walk away

    Kayla Farwell // 2013-02-11 23:40:06 // //
  • The dood in the background is totally smoking pot, which your bias against is probably at the heart of your issues. Anti-drug is pro-fear. At the very least, love the person not necessarily their behaviors, their choices.

    Johnny Coyne // 2013-02-11 23:40:05 // //
  • Having experienced a similar friendship issue with my husband, I have simply opted to not engage. Someday, the toxic friendship will run its course, he must learn on his own. Arguing about it only draws us, husband & wife, further apart. Let it go, it's ok. Love & light to you...xo

    Jennavieve Chalifoux // 2013-02-11 23:38:26 // //
  • Prayer will solve her problem

    Sandhya Devi Jhowry // 2013-02-11 23:38:26 // //
  • Figure out what you're afraid of...

    Jennifer Gefert // 2013-02-11 23:37:34 // //
  • she has to have faith in GOD.She has to go somwhere to pray.

    Sandhya Devi Jhowry // 2013-02-11 23:36:50 // //
  • I feel as if it was good advice... she's not in control of the situation, she can only control her reaction to the situation. her husband will make his own choices. her friends will make their own choices... and she will make her own choices. she cannot control what her friends or her husband do. this is there life and their decisions. if she does not approve... then it may be time for her to move on. we each follow our own paths. if she loves her husband she will have to find a way to accept that he can make his own decisions and choose his own friends, if she cannot accept this... perhaps her path is leading her somewhere else.

    Charissa Mccartney // 2013-02-11 23:36:44 // //
  • Weed is not a drug.

    Sandra Vivian // 2013-02-11 23:36:20 // //
  • I am struggling here. That answer does not answer the woman.she has set her goals and life into a new path.she is asking how to deal with a husband who does not honor her. Yes weed is organic but not legal. Thereby placing her into a place she does not like nore agrees with. The answer is, communicate with your husband.share again the importance of your heart and beliefs. See what he values more and use his decision to help you find the real happiness you seek. You deserve your own happiness, joy and love. Seek it. Do not remain in a place that does not bring you joy and love.

    Steve 'Sapato // 2013-02-11 23:35:51 // //
  • Thank you Deepak. I have asked to be shown what real forgiveness is and am being shown through this and other experiences. Thank you!

    Harper Wood // 2013-02-11 23:35:38 // //
  • A spouse is a little bit different situation, as others have said. If it were a friend, Deepak's advice would be right IMO, because we shouldn't try to enforce any of our expectations our desires onto a friend. But if you're tied together in marriage and someone hurts your spouse, it's kind of a betrayal to go hang out with them. Now it's true that she can't control her husband, but this sort of thing could lead to a divorce...

    River Morrison // 2013-02-11 23:35:22 // //
  • brillante como siempe en sus comentarios .

    Pedro Pablo Rojas // 2013-02-11 23:35:07 // //
  • Read his book " the seven spiritual laws of success " excellent book .

    Don L. Cluff // 2013-02-11 23:34:49 // //
  • Wonderful write up and spot on way of communicating brilliant information. Alas, the writer of the initial questions doesn't paint herself as someone necessarily interested in logic.

    Linda Nicely // 2013-02-11 23:34:48 // //
  • How toxic is she? Puff puff pass

    Steve Barnes // 2013-02-11 23:34:29 // //
  • and handsome too

    Kit Bridgeman // 2013-02-11 23:34:12 // //
  • how did you get to be so wise? :)

    Kit Bridgeman // 2013-02-11 23:33:32 // //
  • We have to stand for what we believe. And the real toxic relantinship seems to me it is with her husband. Maybe she just took the first step of protecting herself, Chopra , you kind of disappoint me....

    Lia Padang // 2013-02-11 23:33:29 // //
  • : )

    Melody Ables // 2013-02-11 23:33:23 // //
  • its a timely msg ...Tq sir

    Rohini Gokulraj // 2013-02-11 23:33:11 // //
  • The wife can stand for what she believes is right for her ... But she can't force her husband to take the same stand. Relationships are supposed to be equal she should respect his wishes as she expects for him to respect hers

    Francine Judd // 2013-02-11 23:32:20 // //
  • Loved that answer! I've dealt with this in my last two relationships.I completely believe in the benefits of using cannabis which has been used for thousands of years as medicine & for enlightenment among other things! Both of those women are on board with cannabis now,mostly because I live in Washington state which recently legalized it! I would much rather see anyone use cannabis for pretty much opposed to using alcohol,tobacco,or pharmacuticles...which directly kill,jail,put in our healthcare system (that doesn't work)in prison,rehab centers etc! But hey,if everyone smoked cannabis...we wouldn't need big pharma,big tobacco,& big alcohol! Rev Slaughter :-)

    Charley Slaughter // 2013-02-11 23:31:56 // //
  • brilliant as always , thank you.

    Jesus Alaminos // 2013-02-11 23:31:13 // //
  • You have such a warm beautiful smile :)

    Sheri Duarte Mayor // 2013-02-11 23:30:22 // //
  • moral values are a set of judgements based on social upbringing... I think Chopra's approach is right on..

    Tommy WIlson // 2013-02-11 23:30:22 // //
  • Get over it, don't hold a grudge, friends are important, make your own choices and stick to it. Who cares what other people do.

    Louie Kafantaris // 2013-02-11 23:29:02 // //
  • I respect you very much, but life it NOT as easy as you make it seem. Just my two cents.

    Laura Burnette-Richards // 2013-02-11 23:28:55 // //
  • absolutely perfect <3

    Paige Hall-Ferraro // 2013-02-11 23:28:48 // //
  • Dude, weed is organic. Have cancer and try to eat without it.

    Laura Burnette-Richards // 2013-02-11 23:28:16 // //
  • Deepak seriously rocks...

    Dorothy Dinnigan // 2013-02-11 23:26:39 // //
  • I love you Deepak! <3 You are so adorable.

    Anne Plath // 2013-02-11 23:26:00 // //
  • How do you submit a question?

    Lynette Johnson Pound // 2013-02-11 23:25:49 // //
  • This is the first time I don't feel to agree with Dr. Chopra... I think we have moral values for a reason, and the woman who sent her question is in a serious dilema. She is being able to feel.. all the opposite in values that his husband choices represents. She can not be against her self.. I wish her luck.

    Beatriz M. Frankquez // 2013-02-11 23:24:39 // //

    Jay B. Lawrence // 2013-02-11 23:23:23 // //

    Maribel Guardia // 2013-02-11 23:23:17 // //
  • Resonate with this advice. Well put.

    Michelle Russo // 2013-02-11 23:22:58 // //
  • Brother Go where your Celebrated Vs tolerated ... Well there is no honor The husband does respect him self so, When there is Dishonor there is always confusion. I believe its unhealthy relationship for you and for the couple toxic is like cancer must cut it out .in the Bible said Titus 3:10 "Warn a deceased person once then warn him second time after that have nothing to do with them"

    Gary Soghomonian // 2013-02-11 23:22:52 // //
  • I found this answer disappointing and it avoids the issue that she has taken an honest look at her life and wishes to be away from what she feels is toxic. Her husband - her partner- is not "with" her on this issue and is not ready to let go of the toxic. He is undermining her desire to become a more healthy and enlightened person. He is part of the toxic problem. I don't think this has anything to do withh forgiveness or acceptance in the way you have put it- but perhaps she can accept that she and her husband are in vastly different places and that there may be a need for her to free herself of the relationship with him if this keeps up. See David Richo- the Buddhist therapist- about how our partners behavior and well being has tremendous influence in how we also feel in our relationships- in relationships we are not meant to exist alone but in a close context with our partner. If our partner is doing something that is hurting us it is not about our "perception", it is about the reality of what is happening.

    Barbara Singer // 2013-02-11 23:22:44 // //
  • Noice one Deepak and very well put. :)

    Arthur Edwards // 2013-02-11 23:21:20 // //
  • right on

    Gio Dell // 2013-02-11 23:20:46 // //
  • Diane, perhaps if you composed a real sentence here, we could undertsand your enthusiasm lol

    John Hunter Phillips // 2013-02-11 23:20:44 // //
  • We can't control everything in our lives especially not the choices of others. Toxic people are everywhere and we need to just let go so they stop hurting us because we keep allowing them to hurt us. If you dwell on others close to you not having the insight into someone that you might have, you just wound yourself. Enough rope and that toxic person will always hang themselves.

    Emma Mauro // 2013-02-11 23:20:38 // //
  • so what does she do? does she keep a relationship? Is this what your saying??

    Chris Tarin // 2013-02-11 23:20:15 // //
  • wise advice

    Marcela Eugenia Torres // 2013-02-11 23:19:59 // //
  • Not very effective answer on this one my friend; you are not offering her any real solution to her problem which is real and serious. This is her husband, not a friend that she can just walk away from. Yes, she can forgive and accept but is this really a long term solution? In a marriage there has to be give and take, concessions and balance. There is no balance here, there has to be an amiable solution to this issue, not just acceptance on one side.

    Frank G. Magourilos // 2013-02-11 23:19:49 // //
  • Beautifully said!

    Robin Ruz // 2013-02-11 23:19:41 // //
  • Great one Tina!!!

    Dennis Bunkley // 2013-02-11 23:19:32 // //
  • speaking of not being able to control things outside of you...I 100% agree im all about me myself and I

    Pamela Fontanelle // 2013-02-11 23:18:08 // //
  • When we can recognize that the soul lives in trust, love, and peace and it is the personality that is believing in separation and conflict...we can ask the question...'what are the lessons that i have asked for in this situation, the reason i have attracted this opportunity to learn and allow the soul to evolve? Then we can interact with others, allowing them to have their life and soul lessons as well, without having to defend or demand a particular response. everyone has free will to make soul level choices or ego/personality choices.

    Martha Gesegnet-Blessing // 2013-02-11 23:18:07 // //
  • a very nice way to figure it out with our own emotions.

    Liyi Karso // 2013-02-11 23:18:00 // //
  • When our beliefs change, our energy changes too, and people feel it. Letting go of unhealthy people let's them know you are honoring yourself. Both parties need space to keep growing. Then I can keep myself protected from toxic people.

    Tina Deulen // 2013-02-11 23:17:38 // //
  • Sounds right, babe.

    Andy Somy // 2013-02-11 23:17:15 // //
  • Deepak, you rock! I could only hope to be half as enlightened as you are some day. I love the fact you share your wisdom and guidance with every day folks here on Facebook. I am facing a stressful situation and could really use your guidance. I am injured from restaurant work, waiting on a court date for possible work comp benefits, and hopelessly looking for a desk job as I am just finishing up a Bachelors Degree in Digital Design and Animaton. I wonder if I need to stay in Chicago and keep looking or go back to my home town of Ft. Myers, FL and try again there. Funds are very limited and I am no longer able to do the restaurant work I have relied on for the last 25 years. I feel hopeless and with no control over my situation. Any suggestions?

    Jimi Bush // 2013-02-11 23:17:11 // //
  • Applied this to my own personal unique situation, I have struggled with for over two years. I wonder if it is not so much my problem anymore. That it is his resistance to let go of the past and move forward In a positive direction. At this point I question , do I let these toxic people into my world again? Or do I close my self off to my marriage truly working? Both answers push me into a sad corner. I personally would love a life filled with better people. But am also not one to give up on someone for bad decisions. Would love to hear more from your perspective.

    Angela Carroll Ast // 2013-02-11 23:16:33 // //
  • Great response :)

    Adriana Vermillion - Writer and Speaker // 2013-02-11 23:16:12 // //
  • R u fucki g kidding?? Thats the biggest BULLSHIT! I have always thought u were smart i ur assessments but that is just plain bullshit!!!!

    Diane Buhanan // 2013-02-11 23:14:56 // //
  • Perfection:)

    Jennie Tripp // 2013-02-11 23:14:17 // //
  • Deepak ji, so true coz its our past that generally triggers our present emotions and dealing with it first helps us understand thr current senario much better.

    Dishaa A Singal // 2013-02-11 23:14:03 // //
  • So glad to hear others facing the same issues and not giving be a part of..or needing a sense of be-longing ..or acceptance..or protection At what costs?

    Lynn Brody // 2013-02-11 23:13:57 // //
  • yes knowing the difference of what we can and cannot have control over can really reduce anxiety and stress in our body

    Janet K. Lange // 2013-02-11 23:13:25 // //
  • beautiful response. Thank you. I once had a client who wanted me to help her husband stop snoring. I instead helped her see how the sound that once annoyed her could give her comfort that he was there with her among other things... it is all how we interpret the information. Thank you Deepak. BTW love SuperBrain. Much Love.

    Amy Arvary // 2013-02-11 23:12:57 // //
  • Simple answer: look at how they're a reflection of you.

    Claire Shannon // 2013-02-11 23:12:54 // //
  • Would she be as upset if her husband was on some sort of pharmaceutical such as an anti-depressant? Being anti-drug.(please forgive the sarcasm). Just wondering how far this 'anti-drug' comment goes since even coffee could be considered that. Right? Many Blessings to you Deepak~

    Annick Tree // 2013-02-11 23:12:50 // //
  • A writ in powerlessness. If only we could all understand this concept, wow, what a beautiful world it would be

    R Michael Tucker // 2013-02-11 23:12:37 // //
  • Strength, read this one...

    Jamie LoveLetter // 2013-02-11 23:12:20 // //
  • once you deal with your issue of not being able to control your husband maybe your need to be free from toxic people wont be so strong cos you've let go of the toxic within yourself ....

    Jo Goodinson-Wait // 2013-02-11 23:12:12 // //
  • Brilliant!

    Laura Solstad Hasselbrink // 2013-02-11 23:11:18 // //
  • Thank you for your hounesty! I really needed to hear this today!

    Shari Ann Schuster // 2013-02-11 23:11:16 // //
  • Soooo TRUE!<3

    Sheila Bowen Butler // 2013-02-11 23:10:21 // //
  • i would say,that is so true,we need to stay away form toxic,,,,,,people,,if even takes own familiy,,,need to stay forcused in your own self,,,,,,

    Kusum Singh // 2013-02-11 23:09:53 // //
  • Well answered!...working on it in my own life!

    Mary Parriman // 2013-02-11 23:09:32 // //
  • Hola, Amigo !

    Jose G. Gonzalez // 2013-02-11 23:09:29 // //
  • Very insightful and so true. You are a blessing!

    Joanne Smith-Ripp // 2013-02-11 23:09:22 // //
  • Beautiful Deepak

    Izeqiel McCoy // 2013-02-11 23:09:18 // //
  • I wish I can see you see u nd listen to u face to face

    Smile Owlsprit // 2013-02-11 23:09:18 // //
  • AMEN! If Sir DEEPAK is on it, I Just KNOW, I GOTTA be onto something far GREATER...yup....

    Jeanine Butler // 2013-02-11 23:09:03 // //
  • You know when its time....The inner you knows and has had enough.

    Yve A-b // 2013-02-11 23:08:53 // //
  • I can sell yourr book" 10 ways of succes " or sth like this so who like the books please press I like it

    Kornelia Piasecka // 2013-02-11 23:08:38 // //
  • wow!!!

    Abha Dutt Sharma // 2013-02-11 23:08:34 // //
  • <3 and hugs to you!

    Jeny Rebecca // 2013-02-11 23:08:15 // //