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January 24 2013

Parental Legacy

Category:  Ask Deepak


When I was younger my dad would always come home complaining about how the house looked, and he was never satisfied even if it was clean. I told myself I would never be that way, and yet, I find myself doing it. I practice your teachings, try at least, so why can’t I let go of this? He passed a year ago and the grief is still there I think, maybe I never dealt with it. How do I let go. I know he is still here in another form, but I don’t want my children feeling the way I did when he acted like that. Thank you.


I think you have adopted your late father’s critical attitude as an unconscious response to your unresolved feelings toward him. Since it has been over a year now since his death and you still feel you haven’t dealt with the grief, it may be that your conflicted feelings puts a brake on your intentions to heal his loss. Don’t be shy about seeking out a counselor or friend that you can pour all your feelings out to. Someone who will listen without judgment is what you need. It can also be helpful to write down your feelings in a journal. You can even write a series of letters to your dad, expressing all your frustrations, fondness, funny memories, trivialities,… whatever comes to mind. The important thing to do is give yourself permission to unburden your heart without worrying about how it looks, whether it seems fair, or nice, or right. An open expression of your feelings will get your healing process back on track, and that is what you need.


Top comments

  • It helps to ALWAYS remind yourself how you felt and do not pass on that hurtful behavior to your loved ones. In other words bite your tongue til it hurts. They will keep the critical behavior going if you don`t break the pattern.

    Rona Frye // 2013-01-26 11:05:04 // //
  • hi deepak .never ever wrote u...i hv recetly gotq demoted for a silly mistake do i deal with it...please help me to come out of it.what do i do

    priya // 2013-01-26 15:55:37 // //



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  • महिलाओं को डायनें,कहते लेते जान| किन्तु खोजते लोग हैं,भ्रष्टाचार निदान|| बच्चे वर्तन धो रहे,ढाबों में श्रीमान| नित्य मलाई खा रहे,जगह-जगह भगवान|| भूख-प्यास की मार से,तड़प रहे इंसान| विज्ञापन से हो रही,भारत की पहचान|| कालेधन का है लगा,जिन्हें युगों से रोग| वे दर्शन में कौन-सा,धन करते उपयोग? इंसानों के साथ में, इंसानी व्यवहार| करें जो नहीं लोग वे, करते भ्रष्टाचार|| अगर चाहते राष्ट्र हो,भ्रष्टाचार विमुक्त| तो समाज को कीजिये,सदाचरण संयुक्त||

    Durgesh Nagi // 2013-01-28 08:55:02 // //
  • Read Deepak`s books 20 years ago - especially re reconciling quantum physics and Hindu spiritualism. Great stuff. Explains some of the inponderable mysteries of life and how to put into practice previously abstract theories.

    pmtod // 2013-01-28 03:44:55 // //
  • Yo pensaba lo mismo pero con mi mama y ahora sin pensar a veces actuó igual que ella!!! Meda risa y a veces felicidad.

    Lourdes Witzeman // 2013-01-27 10:11:40 // //
  • hi deepak .never ever wrote u...i hv recetly gotq demoted for a silly mistake do i deal with it...please help me to come out of it.what do i do

    priya // 2013-01-26 15:55:37 // //
  • Well explained. Until and unless a closure is not done, this unresolved painful issue will not leave you.

    Shemin Kaba // 2013-01-26 12:01:39 // //
  • It helps to ALWAYS remind yourself how you felt and do not pass on that hurtful behavior to your loved ones. In other words bite your tongue til it hurts. They will keep the critical behavior going if you don`t break the pattern.

    Rona Frye // 2013-01-26 11:05:04 // //
  • like that

    Ruth Nabulya // 2013-01-26 06:58:40 // //
  • ..................I need this so Bad...... It is so true............ I'm taking good care of me now........I'm more in control of my feelings... Meditation help a Lot.!

    Fabiola Cárdenas // 2013-01-26 03:17:42 // //
  • Very well put !!!

    Alice Vialpando // 2013-01-25 20:48:50 // //
  • Beautifully said it all! :)

    Mala'ck Ali // 2013-01-25 19:11:23 // //
  • There is no escaping that we are a product of all that has gone before today. That's not to say we are victims of our past every moment has shaped the way everyone of us is today. If one never wants to be like a parent, that is a conscious decision that demands conscious action. One may well feel or deny to feel grief over a loss but it should never be used as an excuse for not living up to promises to one's self. Less to looking for excuses and get focussed on what you want and how you want to be. Grieve ... of course ... but take control if your own life.

    Catherine Defina // 2013-01-25 14:05:37 // //
  • love-grace

    Graciela Kries // 2013-01-25 12:21:13 // //
  • Accepting and coming to terms with it gives closure :)

    Renato Giordano // 2013-01-25 12:11:56 // //
  • Fair enought

    Carolyn Glatz // 2013-01-25 11:41:32 // //
  • Thank you! This helped others as well! Feb will be 1 year since my Dad passed away. I'm going to start writing in my journal and write to him as well.

    Michelle Vogel Gross // 2013-01-25 10:14:32 // //
  • Ruben Ochoa M, I read this and thought this might help. Know you are loved!

    Yuri Manteca Wagner // 2013-01-25 09:56:11 // //
  • Thank you Deepak

    Marsha Lambert Turows // 2013-01-25 09:52:14 // //
  • i just lost my father one month ago. i am already picking up his habits, but feel i am doing my best to help my mom in the ways that he did. really appreciate the question and deepak`s response - i`ll keep it in mind as my family and i heal. much love to all.

    lizzy // 2013-01-25 09:07:14 // //
  • I have nothing to say as my Dad is 89 but I am scared

    Neil Mildren // 2013-01-25 08:56:00 // //
  • keep the Q & A coming

    Desiree Perez // 2013-01-25 08:48:29 // //
  • Sometimes healing takes longer than a year.

    Shawn White // 2013-01-25 07:11:00 // //
  • Wonderful advice, do not isolate

    Marty Laska // 2013-01-25 06:35:34 // //
  • Thank you so much for this

    Nicole Vendetti // 2013-01-25 05:49:47 // //
  • Thank you so much for this advice, I knew it but I was forgotten...

    Nini's Driftwood Art // 2013-01-25 05:30:43 // //
  • listening the waves, listening the heart oF God. Hugs Dear Deepack.

    Eleni Solange // 2013-01-25 05:02:17 // //
  • Merci.......!!!!!!!!

    Carlos Belbey // 2013-01-25 03:58:05 // //
  • or...stick the kettle on, have a cuppa and decide to live your own life

    Peter Smillie // 2013-01-25 03:14:27 // //
  • Thank You, Wise Spirit.

    Pamela Green-Schader // 2013-01-25 03:13:05 // //
  • DANKE !

    Magdalena Cherlea // 2013-01-25 03:12:12 // //
  • Greatresponse!

    Ebanga Tim // 2013-01-25 03:08:23 // //
  • This has worked for me/ write about it, meditate or prayer, talk aboutthe area. Also in the Recovery field the forth step on Resentments, Fears, Sexual Conduct. The internet helps today. As Dr. Joe Dispenza of which I attended four workshops with him last year said making time just to do the work. The Law of Relaxation with if I resist persits. Information is Artifical Knowledge, application in just a bit is a start.. Abudance with FUN!!!

    Clarence Schilt // 2013-01-25 02:17:44 // //
  • I have open conversations, argue, ask him questions and some mornings I wake and know somehow that he is freed from his shortcomings and wants me to be happy and live full out. It may sound strange but I plan to walk this one path to the end, it is working and so I have a good feeling that everything is going to be alright feeling. Hope this helps.

    Bonnie Ann Clark // 2013-01-25 01:58:03 // //
  • Oh Deepak Darling I am here Darling I know you are there <3

    Gilly Englert // 2013-01-25 01:16:15 // //
  • I like the idea of expressing feelings))))

    Ольга Платонкина // 2013-01-25 01:14:15 // //
  • Hi Deepak, Nakota Wiyan, Cliff Carle, and Robin Renee i lost my dad a year ago too thank you for your positive thoughts I'll read that book Four Levels of healing

    Sofia Joy Roble // 2013-01-25 01:06:58 // //
  • I love it!!! Thank you for sharing Deepak!

    Paola Jade // 2013-01-25 00:54:25 // //
  • Great advice and I especially like writing out your feelings, it's a great way to let it all out and not have to worry about what someone else may or may not think about your feelings. I would also recommend a book by Shakti Gawain "The Four Levels of Healing". I'm sure that Deepak wouldn't mind.

    Robin Renee // 2013-01-25 00:35:06 // //
  • Be good to yourself ;). I love reading your posts. Thanks for sharing and being so authentic .

    Magli Guillén // 2013-01-25 00:29:10 // //
  • Kindness ... <3

    Dreamscape: The Art of Positive Living // 2013-01-25 00:20:36 // //
  • Sir, i know my father always not right but when he hold my hand for road crossing, i forgott all wrong thing as a lil daughter. Coz dis bond is strong more than anything

    Rashmi Dhar // 2013-01-25 00:14:10 // //
  • Really love the letter to the parent part.

    Ginger Awana // 2013-01-25 00:13:56 // //
  • Change sounds easy is a progress

    Mariana Casillas Zuluaga // 2013-01-25 00:11:09 // //
  • I think about my mother almost every day. She passed at such a young age. I love you mom.

    Carol Miller Caldwell // 2013-01-25 00:05:16 // //
  • Thanks Deepak :-) such peace in your words

    Leonie Henderson // 2013-01-24 23:58:31 // //
  • Love it!!

    Ana Paula Alvarez Unger // 2013-01-24 23:41:29 // //
  • Hello Negest, I would like to say that your dad is not completely gone. He is still here with you. You may talk to him in your thoughts, you may hear him in your dreams. He is with you whenever you need him to be with you. He will help you go through this life.

    Maria Mattina // 2013-01-24 23:36:40 // //
  • I lost my nineteen year old son five years ago. Talking does help, knowing that no matter what you feel at anytime is also ok. We can be our own worst enemy when it comes to guilt trips. Just remember you are never alone, and even when you have your moments of loss of control, remember this to shall pass. Blessings to you my friend, may you find comfort in your memories.

    Dawn Stamplecoskie // 2013-01-24 23:28:35 // //
  • @ Deepak... I lost my dad when I was a little girl, everything about me is like my dad... I love him so much, I miss him so much... It's not easy because I need him in my life and he's not there... when you're the unique child in the family, no one understands you... but if he was alive I know he would be my best friend... GOD bless his soul.

    Negest Tegest Agonafer // 2013-01-24 23:19:33 // //
  • good man

    Alex Lattanzi // 2013-01-24 23:18:32 // //
  • Awesome!

    GOT JOY? The Art of Breaking Through // 2013-01-24 23:13:52 // //
  • Good advice!!

    Peter Sanchez // 2013-01-24 23:12:05 // //
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    Robert Sudhakar // 2013-01-24 23:06:30 // //
  • You are grieving for the wish your father was more there for you. This is a slippery slope to depression. He did the best he could with what he had to work with. It wasn't enough but that's the cards you were dealt with. I've been through the same thing. I believe.

    Patty Urbanski // 2013-01-24 23:06:05 // //
  • I used to do an exercise for grief and loss. I would write on a small piece of paper that I wanted to say to the person or a part of myself I wanted to let go. I would then tie my note to a balloon and set it off to the sky. The feeling is one that can only be expressed by doing this simple thing. Just a thought.

    Sparrow Padovani // 2013-01-24 23:01:51 // //
  • Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts regarding people's concerns. Your words are always so wise and not judgmental. It is so freeing to hear what you say, I grew up in a "time" when all that mattered was pleasing others, now I know it is impossible and unnecessary. Thank you, again.

    Diane McLean Galloway // 2013-01-24 23:01:48 // //
  • I have a very long life span of the future , and life is very important and important to the future

    Prince Rockefeller Hughes // 2013-01-24 23:00:41 // //
  • and I believe in people living long lifes

    Prince Rockefeller Hughes // 2013-01-24 22:59:07 // //
  • Accablés par le chagrin d'amour ou de sentiments profondément enracinés. Ils sont de simples mortels, comme vous et MOI. TRES PERSPICACE ET JE SUIS D'ACCORD AVEC VOTRE REPONSE.

    Carla Saavedra // 2013-01-24 22:57:22 // //
  • I lost my mom and she was my shadow shes been gone yrs now and my brother got me your book for xmas called the deeper wound and i want to thank you for it bc it has help me i read it most every nite

    Jayme Leggs // 2013-01-24 22:57:10 // //
  • Beautiful.. 'ntaure' says, "each and every thing is important, no one is useless, so live the world with new ray of hope and joy" . 'Leaving the wourld is not the solution'

    Tarun Kumar Soni // 2013-01-24 22:54:44 // //
  • A year is a blink of an eye when you've lost some one so dear ...... Time time and more time is what we need but we never forget and we never stop missing them.....

    Maria N Ali Pais // 2013-01-24 22:54:24 // //
  • Things in life are special, and important, and the healing process might take longer than you think but keep going and don't give up on life, and enjoy life for your father ,and don't ever forget him ,and know that living life is very important and don't give up about the future , yeh it hurts

    Prince Rockefeller Hughes // 2013-01-24 22:54:22 // //
  • So well put..

    Substance Seeker // 2013-01-24 22:54:02 // //
  • thank you info

    Mariann Boda Toth // 2013-01-24 22:53:53 // //
  • Great Sir!!! Liked the way you had put it

    Sharath Kumar // 2013-01-24 22:52:24 // //
  • VERY GOOD !!!

    Olga Valencia // 2013-01-24 22:52:18 // //
  • Life has always proven to me that when somebody hates someone, someway or somehow they end up being JUST like the person they hated.

    Tania EyeRi Fuentes // 2013-01-24 22:51:29 // //
  • Or maybe you just miss him because he was a big part of your life and not enough time has passed for his passing to be a memory, rather than a loss. You a a balanced and spiritually balanced person. Just let yourself go through the grieving process and realize that losing and loving come hand in hand. If there is one certain thing about this life we must all come to grips with it is the fact that nobody gets out alive. Cherish the times you had and try to keep only the good memories.

    Cliff Carle // 2013-01-24 22:48:58 // //
  • Your compassion and love are beautiful. ... I love to hear the wisdom you share... thank you very much

    Deb Dowell // 2013-01-24 22:47:43 // //
  • love

    Divine Divina // 2013-01-24 22:46:32 // //
  • Super cool !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Jose G. Gonzalez // 2013-01-24 22:46:15 // //
  • Beautiful

    Pįrate Mįke // 2013-01-24 22:44:57 // //
  • Accept the reality that your father was a real Jerk, and you are NOT.

    Patty Urbanski // 2013-01-24 22:41:47 // //
  • <3

    Catherine Lewis // 2013-01-24 22:40:03 // //
  • I lost my daddy too, in 2000. I grieve his death every year. He passed on Xmas and we buried him New Years eve. He was a tough, no nonsense hardass. He would often say, "Quit crying! No one is dead! Knock that shit off!" Haha. He taught me to not fall apart in times of duress. Even though, I wanted him to be different and more sweet and sensitive, he was who he was, and who helped shape him, in his formidable years. He was a tough, no nonsense cowboy, who took care of his family really well. We wanted for nothing. :) I as a result learned to stand up for myself and work hard too. Good lessons, when I look back. You would be surprised how many people that I know, that lack these attributes. For that I say, "Thank You Daddy!" We all must remember to forgive our parents. They are mere mortals, like you and I. Father and Mothers are the best. Forgive yourself. He has, darling. No one is perfect. We all have our moments. Our parents are meant to guide us, with the knowledge that they have in their walk in life. No one is perfect, even if we try hard we ALL will fall short. We are not Tunkasila. Tunkasila in my Native American Language, is Creator of all. You have inspired me to be a better person, Deepak. Your Father must have taught you many things that are worthy of remembering of sharing to inspire us all. :) Prayers for you my Mentor and all who suffer and miss their parents! <3!

    Nakota Wiyan // 2013-01-24 22:39:21 // //
  • Looks like wind n sea beach. I nice place for these thoughts

    Max Eli // 2013-01-24 22:38:52 // //
  • Is it even natural for us to heal from the loss of our Father? Always in your heart mind and body forged is the bond in which you became human. Sending you love and light Deepak always know that he is with you.

    Jenee Carlson // 2013-01-24 22:38:01 // //
  • Wow thanks....

    Claudia Henao // 2013-01-24 22:37:50 // //
  • I agree with you "An open expression of your feelings will get your healing process back on track, and that is what you need." And when those feelings arise (painful) give them Infinite Love & Gratitude ~ with Love all things are harmonized/healed <3 :)

    Heather Guay // 2013-01-24 22:37:35 // //
  • I needed to hear this too. Thanks for putting the question out there and for the practical answer.

    Summer Christie // 2013-01-24 22:37:00 // //
  • Very insightful and I agree with your response. Openness and being honest with ourselves is crucial for healing when we are burdened with heartache or deep rooted feelings. May your writer find comfort in your guidance.

    Gen Santanelli // 2013-01-24 22:35:45 // //