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Question:

I am at a crossroads with my current relationship. I love him very much and we have a lot in common as well as a good friendship, but we are not matched well in the realm of physical love and I miss the affection and passion that enjoyed in previous relationships. My problem is that I keep vacillating between thinking that this is something I need to change in myself (that this is a lesson of some sort and that is why it is so painful an issue) or that he is ultimately not the person for me. I'm afraid of making the wrong choice. While I strive to change, grow and better myself in all things, this has been a very long, painful, deep struggle for me and there are moments when I wonder if I'm supposed to change at all and just move on. I do find that I've made much progress on my part, but it never seems to be enough. Am I feeling like giving up right before a breakthrough? Or is my soul telling me that I cannot bear this pain any longer? Thank you.

Response:

To determine if you need to leave this relationship and find the physical intimacy you want; or remain in the relationship as a lesson in growing beyond your old self, you need to first determine what growth you need and are ready for right now. Otherwise you might be struggling for no reason or benefit. Since you haven’t given me any background information on yourself to go on, you are going to have to figure out by yourself what it is about your past history that makes you think that continuing in this friendly but passionless relationship is going to lead to something good for you. Have you used physical intimacy in past relationships as a diversion from the challenges of deeper emotional intimacy and vulnerability? If so, then maybe this relationship is what you need to move forward. But if physical affection is actually a powerful tool for your personal and spiritual growth, then this current relationship may actually be inhibiting your development. Once you have clarity on this, it will be easier to make your decision.

Love,
Deepak

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Comments

Matches are incognit to take so serious about relationship its all about how much love yourself to share and really match it
Haim Mathews - May 23, 2013
Blessed wife, you i`ve never known, but love you more with each day.
Monk - May 20, 2013
I can not imagine being in a passionless relationship. It is of extreme imoportance to my spiritual well-being to have an intimate physical relationship with the person I love. I am recently separated after ten years of marriage. My ex had an affair we could not recover from, but even during our attempt to recover, we were still (I was still) able to have a strong physical relationship. I personally would not sacrifice that for friendship from a man. I have great guy friends and wonderful girlfriends. My partner exists to fulfill the needs of my heart and soul and physical body, and I do for him as well. There is nothing more fun or spiritual, in my opinion, than having great sex with the person you love.
Lisa - May 19, 2013
have found physical intimacy without \ndeep connection to be like a burst of a sugar high\nand then an eventual drop to the point\nwhere the insulin of depth and insulating\n real warmth \nis what is truly needed ..
uknow_1976 - May 19, 2013
Hi there. I`ve been in a very similar boat the past three years. I`m dating my best friend. We both have baggage, but luckily most of the time it`s compatible luggage (just as we are very compatible and comfortable and understanding of each other). There are some things where we have \"issues\" that never seem to be able to be fixed or go away themselves: 1) He asked me out on the ultimatum that he couldn`t just be friends and I didn`t want to lose him as a friend, 2) He wasn`t hugged/touched appropriately when he was younger so now it`s either uncomfortable to him or sexual (to me, I hug friends, family, co-workers, whatever! I`m a very touchy-feely kinda person) This is problematic now that we`ve moved over 1000 miles from my family b/c right now, he`s the only \"appropriate\" person whom can hug me and I don`t even have a dog to pet or snuggle with! So I`m feeling empty and lonely in that respect. Luckily, my boyfriend will give me really awesome backrubs at least a couple times a week! So, I can`t complain too much, right? 3) Just like any relationship, there are things we do that are pet peeves to the other.\n\nSo. You want to know if you should stay together or not. \n\nWell, it`s be a more difficult path than it should`ve been for us. This is partly b/c I was immature at the beginning and cheated on him (and then told him I did b/c otherwise I thought I was being disrespectful)...he`s let it go, for the most part now. I`ve worked really hard earning his trust since then, so in that way, we are stronger now. Because he`s proved over and over again how abundantly and truly he LOVES me and is my BEST FRIEND, I try really, really hard not to take that for granted these days. It`s no small thing. And even though I know he feels strongly for me, and fought hard to have me, I use that as fuel to be a better person and to learn to love him just as much and be as thoughtful. I can see us growing old together in a nice compatible way. But passionately? I admit that in a lot of ways I`ve given up on that (which in a way is kinda sad since I`m only 30)...but I`ve learned the hard way that fantasy is almost always better than the real thing, so really, *shrugs* who cares! lol\n\nMy advice would be to take inventory in your mind of all the lovely things your partner has done for you and how they treat you. Try to be conscious of the positive things (even though hormones can make them seem smaller than they really are). And remember, like what the previous commenter wrote, that as you get older, compatibility and true friendship will mean much more than passion. I know that because as I have been struggling with this, I`ve done a little \"research\" of older couples that are what I want to be like and what their secret is and I ask them what they think about my current situation. \n\nThe longer I stay and try to grow in this relationship, the more I feel affirmed that I`m doing the right thing by both of us. I hope that whatever you decide, it`s the right choice for both you and your mate. Truly, many blessings and much happiness.
MisShelly - May 18, 2013
que serĂ¡ serĂ¡ whatever will be will be :P
valentine - May 18, 2013
Age is an important variable in deciding issues such as the one here presented. Love is important, but in today\'s disjointed society _ things are no more the way they used to be. And marriges and life commitments are gone with the wind and some crave active sexual relations and some just do not ! francis a. novello UD
Frank Novello - May 18, 2013
Determining the importance of physical intimacy in comparison to emotional is a delicate measurement to measure. For me its been a determination of what tends to my heart, mind and spirit.
Patty Conley Henderson - May 17, 2013
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