I feel as if every second I am asking myself if I am happy. I feel like when I was younger, life was about whatever was happening. Everything had a space to fit in my brain and now it's like everything has become about "Am I happy yet?", and I’m always almost watching myself. How do I make life be about life again, and stop having this hyperawareness of myself? It's as if I’m acting out life scenes while really having the secret agenda of just wanting to satisfy this thing inside of me. I want to forget about it! Even when I "lose myself" for a second in hobbies and moments, I always rush back to "OH! Did this finally make me happy?!" I feel a huge separation between my aware self and my "lost in the moment" self and I would really like to tie them together. I feel as if when I get lost in moments it doesn't count. I feel like I can't "bring it back with me", if that makes any sense? Almost like it didn't happen? Do you have any advice on how to tie these things together? Thank you...
Thinking about happiness is not happiness, it is the experience of thinking. Just as thinking about love is different than the experience of love, and thinking about breathing is different than breathing itself . So first recognize that your vigilance for happiness is never going to work. As soon as you ask if you are happy, you are no longer happy, even if you were a moment before you had the thought. This understanding itself should help you break this mental habit.
Happiness is not created through well-chosen actions, it is a state of being that you allow to shine through any action when you feel safe and complete. So if you focus on developing a secure and stable core awareness, you will naturally be living more and more happiness in life.