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Forgiving Infidelity

Dear Deepak, I don't know who else to go to. The man that I love slept with someone else. I forgave him and we are back together. But it hurts. I have dreams and pain and things I do not want to feel. I have extreme anger with the woman. I think violent things about her and have violent dreams of things I am doing to her. I am not a violent or angry person. How can I ease this suffering and not let this anger consume me?


The pain you are going through will ease up in time. Right now the hurt is still too raw. Even though you have forgiven him, there remain deeper layers inside you that require further healing and that can’t be rushed. Eventually you will get to the place where you can find a secure and strong place inside where you can let go of all sense of revenge and blame. In the meantime, be patient and easy with yourself. Don’t judge yourself for your angry thoughts, just know that these feelings are passing through and out of you as you are healing. This means you do not need to take those thoughts seriously or think of acting on them.


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I agree with \"Monday\". That was really horrible to call that woman in grief\nthat name and to write that post. You owe her an apology as far as I am concerned. I will pray that you get not only real \"Commonsense\" but also compassion and respect for others in emotional pain.
Truthsayer - October 26, 2014
Hi Commonsense 101, Your reply is spot on. But you could have been a bit more sensitive in your response. Not every one is strong. \n\nI have just found out my \"adorable\" BF was about to go on a secret holiday with an ex-gal friend. I found out just in the nick of time and chucked him out the day before he flew out. Yes it hurts and it is painful. Luckily I only knew him for a few months, and that was enough - lucky escape - the f***** liar and cheat.
Dolly - June 25, 2014
Common are clearly an insecure and wounded person, when you find yourself attacking someone in a very vulnerable place, like a betrayed spouse, you must ask yourself why you have gone for such an easy win. You must feel ashamed of yourself?
Truth - January 30, 2014
I`m trying to find organizations that may give funds to nonprofits dedicated to \nwomen`s healing and self-empowerment around infidelity. Our all-volunteer organization provides free, \nconfidential, one-to-one peer counseling to women healing from their husband`s or \npartner`s affair, and all counseling is provided by other women who have themselves \nsurvived this emotional trauma. Based in California, we serve women who call us from \nacross the United States, and we believe we are the only organization of its kind.\n\nSo, I am leaving no stone unturned and asking anyone who has anything to do with the \nwell-being of women! Any ideas of where we might turn for funding? Thanks very much,\n\nLaura Steuer\nFounder & Executive Director\nInfidelity Counseling Network\nA 501(c)3 organization, federal tax exempt #602135040\n\\ncounseling line (650) 521-5897 ext 101\nP.O. Box 2\nMenlo Park, CA 94026
laura - October 14, 2013
my name is Julie life indeed is a misery i never thought i will be happy again after the love of my life dumped me for a fellow lady in a restaurant it was indeed a disgrace shock to me after been in a relationship for five years i became so miserable and downcast so i confided in a friend who told me to do something but what could i have done so he got me introduced to that it was the\nsame man that helped him when his mother in law almost threw her out of her matrimonial home so i contacted him but when he ask me to pay for the sacrificial items i became skeptical because he was from Africa so i told my friend then she told me that was the same way he felt when she met him online so i sent the money lo after the 3rd day of the spell my phone rang and my love eyes was opened to see how much i love him and he came back to me crying and asking for forgiveness i just ordered a promotion spell again from and i know is still going to be perfect cause now i believe his saying that he never fails i believe in you dr Eromusela
JULIE - July 7, 2013
First of all, you state the man you \"love\",slept with someone else. What I don`t see in your story is that you don`t refer to him as your boyfriend. How often do you see him? Have you met his family(parents, children)? How many times in a week does he take you out on a date? Have you met all his friends? Does he buy you gifts? Do you go on vacation with him? Why are you so angry with this woman who doesn`t even know about you? It seems like they are in a relationship to me and your not liking it.
lynch - June 3, 2013
I do believe commonsense101 has his or her OWN things that he or she is repressing......but regardless, get your ego under wraps dude- your comment isn`t even pretending to be helpful. I agree on some points, that certain patterns may repeat themselves...and maybe despite thinking that she has forgiven him, maybe she cannot. But she will not know unless she tries. And only she can decide if it is worth the try. At the very least the process will be a lesson in healing and persevering, even if she ends up hurt again. \n\nAlso, Dr. Chopra had great and sensitive advice. I do however want to emphasize some things I`ve learned from Deepak myself:\n\nYou want to know how to ease your suffering....the way to do that is to let go of your pain. This is very easy to say and for most hard to figure out- but you will find a way. I too was cheated on- I wasn`t able to let go of my pain until after the relationship was over. I think some part of me thought if I held onto the pain I`d feel better because that would somehow require more healing. Not sure if that makes sense- but maybe I thought if I let go of my pain too quickly I wouldn`t be able to relish in the sympathy. I don`t feel badly about this- I was only looking for sympathy for him- to hear him apologize time and time again. But then somewhere along the line I learned...healing comes from within. So whatever you do, do not expect him to make things better- only you can let go of the pain. And only you can let go of your fear of it happening again (he will never be able to prove that to you) Also let go of any judgements as Deepak said...this will help you deal in reality rather than unreality- which shall also ease your suffering. An easy-ish way to prevent judgment is to take a good look at your thoughts and see if they have emotions attached to them. Believe it or not I`d venture to say it wouldn`t even be helpful to think \"what he did was bad\" or \"what he did was wrong.\" A more accurate way to relay this may be \"what he did hurt me.\" If you want to move forward (with or without him) ...true forgiveness needs to be your goal. Forgive him, and forgive yourself for anything you think you may have done to \"deserve\" this.\n\nHope this was helpful.\n\nLove, \nme.
betrue - March 12, 2013
Dear,\nnot only infidelity that takes part in our life, one likes and dislikes others is within their mind. this world is full of money minded, those who have will sacrifice the values and do what ever they think. being a goodman is not enough and it has no value in our way of life. those indulge in bad activities win the situation and the good man watches only keeping silent on his part.
nnulaganathan - January 19, 2013