Great morning to you, I am so thankful that I have this time to write and ask this question. I am a single man with no kids. I was having a talk with my family last night, mostly with my sister. She has two kids and a husband. My sister and I had a mother that was not as present as my sister would have liked. We grew up with divorced parents. My mother did drugs, had crazy boyfriends etc... I was telling my sister that for me, I have spoken with our mother the last few years and told her just how much I love her and understand that she raised us in the best way she knew how AT THE TIME.
I truly believe that all people do the best they can at each moment in time with all they know how to do and be. I listened to my sister and she thinks that our mother could have done things differently and that she did know the difference between right and wrong, yet she picked the-- what my sister perceives as—wrong choice. I think that our mother just picked what she FELT was right for her at the time and consequently, my sister labels it as, "the wrong" choice. I feel that my sister is not understanding that all people are perfect just as they are and that people do choose the best they know at the time, whether we judge it right or wrong. In her thinking our mother could have made different choices, that will keep her in judgment. So what I am saying(asking) is, I feel that all people, every second of their day, do the best at that time and everything is perfect as it is? Thank you for any clarity on this question?
I agree with you that in trying to understand how and why people make decisions that seem foreign to our point of view, it is important to recognize that they are making choices according to their limited understanding at that time. And I don’t believe trying to determine what was “right” or “wrong” in those past actions is very helpful in moving forward with our lives. But one thing that I think your sister is trying to convey in her own way is that your mother’s actions while you were growing up still had their consequences and those consequences have to be faced squarely. If your mother’s drug habit and choice of partners left your sister feeling neglected, unsafe and frightened, then she knows she still has some healing to do to get better, and simply saying it was all perfect doesn’t really help her. I’m sure it doesn’t feel perfect for her. You may have come to a good place in your relationship with your mom now, but try to understand your sister has a different journey and experience and honor that.