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Healing Past Trauma And Reestablishing Trust

Dear Deepak, I have suffered from anxiety and depression my entire life. As a child I experienced psychological, emotional, and physical abuse, and as a result, ended up in very unhealthy relationships, which culminated in a marriage to an emotionally and mentally unstable alcoholic. Luckily, I got myself and my child out of that situation and have been able to rebuild my life and heal many of the scars that were left behind from all the trauma I have endured. I have been in therapy, have been practicing yoga several times a week for approximately 6 months, and have recently begun meditating. I've been divorced for almost 10 years and have not dated much in that time, except for a man who lives very far away and with whom I have maintained a long distance relationship for several years. He is kind, supportive, and loving, and we are now planning on moving together and hopefully getting married. However, I don't fully trust him and am terrified that he will be unfaithful to me or leave me. I often act suspicious and have told him I can't completely trust him. He tells me my distrust hurts him profoundly, which I do not want to do, as I love him deeply. Although I have made many positive changes in my life, there are some wounds I have been unable to heal, especially with regard to trust. How do I learn to trust again after having sick and abusive relationships with my family and men all my life? How can I trust that he is different, being that I have always chosen (or they have been chosen for me, in the case if my family) people who end up hurting and betraying me, leaving me devastated and feeling worthless?


I don’t think you distrust him specifically, you describe him as a trustworthy person. Rather it seems that you have not fully healed your past trauma and you see him through the lenses of distrust from your past. If you can see it in these terms,and explain your feelings to your boyfriend in this way, then he won’t be so hurt because you are not attacking or blaming him. Remember that finding the right partner is about becoming the person you are looking for. You want him to be faithful and not leave you, but you have no faith in him and distrust him, then you aren’t relating to him as a person, but only reacting to the ghost of your unhealed past. That is not the kind of person you would want to be partners with.

You have done a lot of healing, but you still need to do more before you feel safe enough to really be present and fully engaged in this new relationship. When you heal more, you will find a strength of heart such that you cannot be wounded by the words and behavior of others. You will have trust in yourself and your ability to deal with any of life’s uncertainties with love and integrity. In that state, no one can deceive you or betray you.


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What exercises could you recommend for \"trust building\" between me and my partner? Then with me and myself? Thanks :)
Kami - April 16, 2014
Whoa. This summarizes my life in therapy. I get close warm intimate then- total PSYCHOSIS. I FLIP OUT. I WAS NEARLY MURDERED BY A SERIAL KILLER AND RAPIST19 YEARS AGO. I see beauty and love in nature but cannot warm up to ppl anymore. I`m like a scared animal if someone shouts or puts hand on my shoulder by surprise I shudder. I developed a lot of strange abilities since though. I can hear ppl think when I`m in danger.
Top secret classified info - August 6, 2012
I love you Deepak, you seem to make me a lot more comfortable with the reality we live in. Thank You!
AndrooAngel - August 4, 2012
Started the day I was born and since knowing I was unwanted by my father. Many traumas since - including very basically, lost of highschool sweetheart husband of 17 years, sudden death of many beloved pets, knowing likely not have any children, skin cancer scare, torn tendon in knee, etc etc. Years and years of PTSD therapy. When and how do I get a break? Thanks for being you - I do listen deeply and spiritually.
Sandy - August 3, 2012
Thank you for posting this question and answer. I could have written it. Except why keep trying after my horrible experiences? Your answer Deepak is direct and easy to understand. You both helped me a lot today, and Namaste.
Reiki Doc - August 3, 2012
This was so very helpful to read.. I have been through a similar situation. We all have pain in our past, and the biggest take away I will get from this is to not just \"react to the ghost of my past\". Thank you sincerely.
C - August 2, 2012
what do you sugested so i could have a good relations ship with my oldest son ,am so addicted to trauma that even when he was telling me that he was going to get up in the next morning to look for a job the old wounds keep coming back he is 36 and almost every theree months he lose is his job ,he has a life of alchol and drugs and he finish college in conselour of drugs ,but is in and out of my house for days or months sometime this last time he left so mad at me that he is not talking to me for more than a month i adopted his two kids and still he needs help from me am tired of not knowing if he is helpless or am the mean one, he has a record is hard for him to get a job sometimes i wish i could giving and support him like he is mentally chalenge but he is always drinking infront of his kids ,i dont know what to do any more but his kids miss him i do
laura - August 2, 2012
Once my hubby said never trust anyone even the person u love the most.then u see how relax u feel,u dont have to worry about the distrust
Deepali Dabral - August 2, 2012