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Loving the Unavailable Lover
Question:
How do I let go of the love I feel for someone who is unavailable? How do I stop hoping for something more from this person when they aren't able to give it?
 
Response:

You don’t expect a co-worker to be able to give you a yacht, or sing an aria from a Verdi opera. When you aren’t blinded by your emotional needs, you match your hopes and expectations realistically from the people around you. You love someone who is not available, and the real difficulty is that you cannot let go of your hope that he will, or could be available perhaps if he loved you more or if fate weren’t set against you.
The path to healing this situation is understanding the emotions and beliefs you are holding about yourself that are make you hold on to this unrealistic and painful expectation. Once you have healed the mistaken belief, you can let go of the hurtful hoping but keep the love.
Love,
Deepak
 

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Comments

It is hopelessly and utterly despairing, sometimes, to try to let go of the one you love... Take me, who`ve spent the last 13 years-on and off-loving someone with an indescribable passion. Sometimes when I run into her (more seldom than often) my heart jumps to my throat and my gut knots itself in sheer surprise and astonishment. It`s not only the simple matter of \"understanding the emotions and beliefs you are holding about yourself\". And further, you have to be willing to do it. Our painbodies have become ridiculously addicted to the bittersweet loves that, at some point or another, have fragranced our lives, and it can be harder than you think to rid yourself of those feeling. You can`t just let go. You can`t just identify the feeling behind it? You have to want to relinquish, and how often do we want that? \n\nAs crazy as it sounds, I`m not sure i want to relinquish that amorous feeling toward her. That certain energy gives me a rush and sharpness that my artistic work requires; in short, I want to hold on to the candle a bit longer. Just the thought of her or the sight of her makes me wobble... I am, I admit, totally consumed by her. Yet, she will never ever be mine... There is a strange bittersweetness ingrained with romantic masochism in all of that which words fail to explain... If she won`t love me back, I`m at least grateful for my love for her... It is a lonely treasure of mine; a hut within the woods where I live by myself...
the Shadow - January 9, 2012
Complexes lives.When someone doesn`t know Love,really.Love is a feeling strange to her life.She has never understood what Love is.She just feels strong fisic attraction but it is as an unkown quantity to her unccertain future.She was not born to have a life with relationship at Love.So it`s better to be far of thinking of relationship in Love.So life can be better without to produce suffering to others and to herself.Each reality clear.Maybe I`m being too cold with feelings here, but maybe at clear reality.I`m sorry for me to think this way!For me people to love have to be perfect,to feel perfectly.
Cecilia - December 24, 2011
http://fieldwork-on-tibetan-buddhism.blogspot.com/2011/01/dalai-lama-on-countering-stress-and.html#more
Jonathan - December 24, 2011
It isn`t the love or lack of love from the person that is causing us suffering, but a deeper conditioned expectation we unconsciously hold ourselves responsible for, believing we are ``less than`` because a particular love interest is not interested in return. Then we punish ourselves for it, when the wound can only be healed by our own inner and innate love, not another persons love, which would be temporary and illusory. \n True Love IS unconditional and therefore never causes suffering.
Jonathan - December 24, 2011
I stumbled across this question in a moment of synchronicity. My husband, who suffers from occupational-related PTSD, disappears for weeks, even more than a month at a time. I just came to realize that as much as he loves me and our young sons, he is incapable of being there for us because he is unable to take care of himself. I just told him with as much compassion as I could just a few minutes before finding this, that I cannot continue our marriage under these circumstances. Thank you for the question and the wise answer. Expecting an unavailable person to be available is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread - it`s an exercise in futility. God bless.
Ginger - December 24, 2011
This makes it sound as though we should abandon our needs and settle for a one-way relationship.
Yiota - December 22, 2011
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