Co-dependent Relationship.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
Dr. Chopra, I am in a long term relationship with someone whom I care deeply for. He and I have been together for about three years and I have been with him through his alcohol and drug addiction and through his journey through an outpatient rehab program. I am 23 and have experienced things I never expected. This experience has enlightened me and connected me deeply to my spiritual core, but I still struggle with co-dependence. I have a daily yoga practice and have started meditation, but still feel exhausted at times by the overwhelming need to over-see my boyfriend. We live together and he has started drinking occasionally again. I am afraid of what is to come and I want to help him and love him and guide him to a better place, but I also want to let go. I am tired of trying and getting nowhere. I am at a standstill in my journey with him. How do I practice loving, kindness and still let go?
Response:
I’m concerned that you got into this relationship when you were only 20 years old and have spent the last three years in a co-dependent relationship with someone with a drug and alcohol addiction. It doesn’t sound like you have been able to experience the real value of a loving relationship between two adults. I sense in your letter that with the resumption of his drinking that you know what is coming next and do not want to go through any more of that. That is a good instinct. You want to move forward in your life with love and respect instead of anger and resentment. Again, I applaud you for that. The way to let go with loving kindness is to be so firmly established in the love, in your love, that you are not pulled into actions that feed his dysfunctional behavior. If we are not secure in our love, we may think that being loving to an addict means you need to be the person that is there to support and guide them. But that is often an adopted version of what love looks like that we pick up from family or society, and not the actual feeling of love and kindness from heart and the core of our Being. It takes deep introspection, experience and wisdom to learn the difference and learn to live in the light of that love regardless of how it looks to others from the outside. And that would include the scenario where you stay strong in your love, let go of your need to act in your old role and possibly remain with him for the time being. Ultimately it’s about making that spiritual and loving transition in yourself and then following wherever that may lead.
Love,
Deepak
The Bridge to Recovery specializes in programs designed to assist individuals and affected family members suffering from codependency, trauma, anxiety, anger issues, depression, obsessive thought patterns, compulsive behaviors and other negative behavior patterns.
Keep up with your yoga and meditation. Reach him out to a program that can help him. In this situation for you Love and Kindness is about letting him go with respect and dignity. Love you,
Al-anon. Keep the focus on you and your health, not on that of the alcoholic. The program will teach you how to let go with grace and love if you embrace it.